Last night I went against all I believe in and watched 2 hours of The Bachelor. Oh heavens… I don’t want to judge the ladies but they’re competing for a man’s approval and affection… *vomit* Most of these women are successful and smart and working on long-term careers… but they’ve decided the best way to find love is on national television in a house full of other women. Sure, ok……
I digress. The point of this post is to cast what I believe to be the most awesome & entertaining version of The Bachelor. My contestants come from TV and movies- so think the character, not the actress! (Hulu has already made a scripted comedy of this show called Burning Love. It’s pretty funny.)
Alright, here we go:
The Bachelor: The Ultimate Season of
In this season of The Bachelor, 15 women will compete for the love of one man in hopes of true love and a
huge meaningful wedding ring.
Let’s meet our bachelor:
Jim Halpert (The Office) is a paper salesman in Pennsylvania. He’s looking for a clever, strong, confident woman to share his life with. Jim doesn’t care for drama or gossip, but does enjoy occasionally pranking those he cares about most. (I don’t want to start a scandal… for the sake of entertainment there’s no Pam in the picture.)
Introductions (episode 1):
Let’s start with some fan favorites. Finally fed up with the president, Olivia Pope (Scandal) is first to step out of the horse-drawn carriage and meet the bachelor. Her fellow ABC sister Emily Throne (Revenge) is next up to meet Jim. He wonders if there will be any curvy ladies or if 120 pounds is the cut-off for his season, too. His question is answered when Megan (Bridesmaids) steps out of the carriage and plants a kiss right on his lips. Bold, but he likes it.
Next the carriage full of “bad girls” pulls up. Jim notices that the horses are covered in leather and spikes. Out steps Nancy Callahan (Sin City), Jessica Rabbit (Who Framed Roger Rabbit), and Scarlett O’Hara (Gone With the Wind). Jim worries how all the girls will get along, but when Jessica Rabbit stuffs a pair of lacy undergarments into his front pocket he forgets what show he’s on and nearly faints. The three girls make their way straight to the bar.
When Olivia Benson (Law & Order: SVU) introduces herself as a detective and Erin Brockovich ( … Erin Brockovich) mentions her law career, Jim wonders if their presence might force the other ladies to behave. He hopes not.
The fourth carriage is filled with hormones; Bridget Jones (Bridget Jone’s Diary) and Dr. Mindy Lahiri (The Mindy Project) emerge. They’re both crying and quoting “Sleepless in Seattle.” The girls almost blow right by the bachelor, but upon noticing him become tongue tied and flustered. They both over-share and have to be escorted into the house by crew members. Jim is fairly positive he knows who is going home first. He’s met 10 girls and already has favorites. [What a jerk. How dare he make judgements based on a first impression. How absurd is that?!]
Jim’s confidence is shaken when a blue shape-shifter named Mystique (X-Men) steps out of carriage five. Jim finds the mutant incredibly attractive, but… she’s blue. Sharing his same strange disgust is Rachel Berry (Glee) who had been forced to ride with the unusual creature. Jim welcomes both girls, then questions the camera man on where the network found these contestants.
Last but not least, a final carriage approaches the mansion and three “normal” women introduce themselves to Jim. Nurse Ann Perkins (Parks & Rec) compliments his suite and he’s reminded of an old girlfriend. Though Emma Swan‘s bounty hunting profession concerns him (Once Upon a Time), Jim is charmed when Emma gushes about her son Henry back home. Last but not least, Jess Day (New Girl) introduces herself and Jim is immediately lost in her (gigantic) eyes.
. . .
In the first few weeks we are forced to say “goodbye” to some of the ladies.
Episode 2: Jim makes the girls sit down with a therapist. He would prefer his wife be sane. This “date” sends three ladies home… We wave farewell to Bridget, Emily (she KILLED people), and Rachel.
Episode 3: During “Fashion Week” Jim stages a bikini fashion show. This week Jessica Rabbit received the first rose and Mystique is sent home. (As shallow as it is, Jim just can’t get past the whole blue skin thing.) We also see Olivia P. and Scarlett leave after failing to prove chemistry with our bachelor. (The remaining girls breathe a sigh of relief as Scarlett exits the mansion… She was not very nice.)
Episode 4: In this season two women decide to send themselves home. Emma and Erin miss their children terribly and say goodbye. Jim understands completely, but he’s sad to see Emma go.
Episode 5: When Jessica is caught in a compromising act with a crew member Jim is forced to go through hidden camera footage. This results in Nancy’s departure (stealing) and Megan’s dismissal (biting the butts of other women). Obviously Jessica Rabbit is sent packing, as well.
Episode 6: With two weeks left, Jim sits down with Mindy, Ann, Jess, & Olivia B. He tells the girls that they’re all going to Hawaii! When Mindy reacts with minimal excitement, she’s sent packing.
Episode 7: In Hawaii Jim has a one-on-one date with Olivia B. After 5 minutes the pair realize they have nothing in common. [How the heck did she get so far in the competition?!] Olivia flies back to the states and we start into the finale with Jess and Ann.
Finale: Jim asks Jess if he can practice a proposal on her and she says yes, hoping it’s actually the real deal. Turns out it was just practice and Jim chooses Ann (but not before accidentally calling her Karen).
Three days before the “after show” Jim and Ann break up (shocker). Also, it’s announced that Jess Day will be the next bachelorette.
. . .
Did your favorite woman win? You would you pair up with Jim?
Now for the Bachelorette version.