Last week I had a weird moment of self doubt. I wish I knew what triggered my dip in confidence, but I can’t be sure- I think it was a result of a few trivial situations. If you pay any attention to me on Twitter you might know that K and I have been watching The West Wing on Netflix. Honestly, I think watching people excel at their jobs and carry themselves so professionally sent me into a weird tizzy about my own self worth. Is that weird? (I know it’s just TV. I know.) A friend told me that after bingeing on Game of Thrones she felt more violent so I feel like that’s kind of the same thing…
Maybe not. Whatever.
I was listing all the ways I felt like I fall short to K one night and he finally stopped me and said, “Why are you being so mean to yourself? You’re smart, Audrey. I don’t understand why you’re suddenly questioning that.”
Personally, I value intelligence. If someone asked me to described myself with three (positive) words I would say intelligent, passionate, & creative. Now, I know there are people 10xs more creative than me and I’m totally ok with that, but when I start to question my own intelligence I just totally break down. (I’m annoyingly passionate so there’s no room for any doubt there.)
So last week I started reading more. I printed off an old/practice copy of the LSAT and took it, time restrictions and all. I revisited my college transcripts and my GPA. All of this just to prove to myself that I’m book smart. (In the process I also proved that I’m a weirdo.)
In my long list of flaws that I rattled off to K I mentioned how I hate my awkward tendencies as a conversationalist. I complained about my learning style; I tend to need to read and write things down verses take verbal direction. I take a minute to think about what someone has told me and I worry that the slight pause makes me look clueless or stupid. I’m a quiet learner- I don’t talk things out. I just listen and analyze.
“I was questioning a trait that I strongly believe defines me.”
All of this doesn’t matter. And I know you probably don’t care. That’s totally ok. My point is that last week I was questioning a HUGE part of myself. I was questioning my life choices over the last 10 years. I was questioning a trait that I strongly believe defines me.
I think that a lot of people experience this kind of self-doubt. For some it lasts a minute & for others it affects them their entire life. It’s such a poisonous little bug.
I eventually snapped out of my depressing black hole. First of all, it helps that I’m married to someone who knew what I needed to hear. Secondly, taking a hot shower and counting my blessings (as well as my strengths that I wasn’t doubting at that moment) really helped.
I think there will always be someone or something that shakes our confidence. I don’t know that there’s a surefire way to always stay strong. I share my grief and embarrassing moments and likes and dislikes with you, so I thought I’d share a little doubt, too.
We’re all in this together, friends. Don’t let the little things get you down.