The Bachelorette

Welcome to another incredible season of The Bachelorette. If you recall, last time we embarked on a magical journey with Jim Halpert as he navigated the treacherous waters of love to find his 15 minutes of fame wife. Last season ended in heartbreak for our adorable protagonist, but this year Jess Day has returned with high hopes and lots of medication.

Let’s meet the bright-eyed teacher:

Jess Day (New Girl) is looking for a fun-loving man with a solid job and quirky sense of humor. She’s been in the dating field for quite some time and hopes to really settle down with a good guy. She needs someone who’s not prone to jealousy, patient with others, and willing to invest in her crazy ideas and antics.

Jess

Introductions (episode 1):

Jess put in a special request to only meet/date refined, normal men with average testosterone levels that are not subscribers to over-drinking, fist fights, or Penthouse magazine. But that doesn’t make good television… so the first man to exit the limo is Wolverine (X-Men). In an attempt to break the ice Jess compliments him on his metal claws. “Adamantium,” he corrects her curtly beforeย  entering the lavish mansion.

Feeling immediately discouraged, Jess’ hope is restored when an incredibly handsome, smooth Don Draper (Mad Men) exits the car . He shakes her hand firmly but gently and leaves her with a wink. Jess asks for a quick glass of water and a fan. Also riding in the first limo is a collectively cool Christian Grey (50 Shades of Grey). Jess gets a weird, chauvinist-y vibes but he’s cute so that makes it ok.

The second limo sends Jess back to the 90s. The first man to make her acquaintance is Jesse Katsopolis (Full House). ‘Have mercy!’ she thinks to herself. Next Mr. Big (Sex in the City) emerges followed by the incredibly attractive Sam Seaborn (The West Wing).

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Good girl Jess wonders if there will be any “bad boys” this season and is immediately answered when the third limo covered in graffiti and bullet holes pulls up. Out steps Jesse Pinkman (Breaking Bad) and Sebastian (Reign). She’s a little put off by the marijuana-like smell coming off Jesse’s coat, but welcomes him all the same. Jess realizes she may have found her eye-soulmate as she loses herself in Sebastian’s baby blues. Once the boys enter the house Jess asks the producers how the limo made it to the house without being car-jacked by the passengers. When Detective Elliot Stabler (Law & Order: SVU) steps out she breathes a quick sigh of relief- no law breaking will happen with him around.

The fourth vehicle carrying suitors is not a limo, but rather a Bentley Mulsanne ( … a +$300,000 car). Jess anticipates some incredibly successful beaus and she’s not disappointed. Doctor Derek Shepherd (Grey’s Anatomy) steps out of the heavily tinted car and introduces himself to our bachelorette. ‘Dreamy…’ she thinks to herself. Next up is firefighter Kelly Severide (Chicago Fire) who has a contradictory effect on Jess as her face flushes a fiery red. When a dapper Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother) exits the car- bragging that it actually is his car- Jess asks what he does for a living. He dismisses her with a gentle, “Please” and kisses her on each cheek before entering the house. Sheldon Cooper (The Big Bang Theory) is the last to exit the vehicle and appears quite distressed. He notes what a long car ride it was and Jess apologizes, saying that she hopes he wasn’t too inconvenienced. “I was,” he states bluntly, then excuses himself into the house.

Jess begins her mental list of “No”s but she is interrupted by the final and apocalyptic-like limo.ย  Jon Snow (Game of Thrones)- who looks as white as a ghost snow- introduces himself and assures Jess that his former oath of celibacy is no more. Jess thanks him awkwardly and tells him she’ll see him inside. She immediately regrets saying goodbye to Jon when she finds herself alone in the company of her last and final guest- Daryl Dixon (The Walking Dead). He seems like a good enough guy… she thinks.

. . .

And thus begins Jess’ journey to find true love…

Episode 2: Jess asks the producers if she can eliminate some men right now but they tell her she has to wait until the end of the day. The boys and Jess enjoy a “lazy day” around the house filled with pool time, a patio picnic, and an early evening cocktail hour. Originally Jess intended to nix Wolverine but after a few hours at the pool she decides his abs he can stick around. We say goodbye to creepy Daryl and creepy Jesse P. tonight.

Episode 3: Jess decides to take the boys camping and is hurt and upset when Mr. Big tells her he refuses to sleep in a tent, let alone on the ground. She tearfully sends him packing and enjoys a night around the campfire with the remaining 12 guys. At the rose ceremony Uncle Jesse K. is sent home (due to complaining about his hair on the trip) and Barney is sent home (due to his constant use of pick-up lines during a heart-to-heart with Jess.)

Episode 4: No season is complete without a little drama. Derek has a hard time sharing Jess with the other bachelors and takes a swing at Don when the episode’s “date card” arrives, naming the advertising mogul. The men are warned about fighting but tempers are hot. When Don comes home and brags about his date Sebastian draws a sword and Derek pulls a scalpel. All three men are sent home. (The date wasn’t as great as Don thought…)

Episode 5: Jess asks the men about their perfect date night and she is incredibly overwhelmed (read: disturbed) by Christian Grey and underwhelmed by Sheldon. Both men do not receive a rose in the mid-episode ceremony. When Elliot warns Jess that all date nights will probably be interrupted by a phone call about a murder she gently sends him packing.

Episode 6: The remaining four suitors are whisked away to Fiji with our beautiful bachelorette. She wines and dines with the men, and is reminded that some how Wolverine is still in the competition. She enjoys a few days of sun and sand and his abs before she sends him home.

Episode 7: When Jess makes plans to accompany the boys to their hometowns Jon Snow respectfully declines and tells her she’s better off not visiting his hometown… or dating him. Jess is shaken by his departure.

Finale: In the end Jess decides that it really comes down to Washington D.C. or Chicago- both Sam and Kelly have stable careers and she’s more than willing to follow love wherever it may take her. I mean, she did this show, for heavens sake…

Anyway, Chicago wins and Jess presents the final rose to Kelly who accepts and presents her with a firefighter calendar that only features him.

OMG cutest couple ever.
OMG cutest couple ever.

And by the “after show” Jess is already pregnant with their baby firefighter. The end.

(I spend an embarrassingly long time creating these…. Ha. Here’s the Bachelor one again.)

I’m crazy, right? I entertain myself, at least…

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11 thoughts on “The Bachelorette

  1. This cracked me up, I love it. Although, if I was in that situation, I’d pick Daryl. Bye everyone else on the first night. I did just meet Taylor Kinney yesterday though (in real life) so that’s funny timing. Perks of Chicago living, I know the whole Chicago Fire cast!

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  2. haha… this is so fantastic! Speaks to my Bachelor heart so much.
    Poor Jess needed a good sturdy guy. Nick totally didn’t deserve her ๐Ÿ™‚

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  3. I loved this one as much as I loved the bachelor one! Ha! You had some pretty great picks! I would think doing something like this would be fun and of course take up some time but fun all the same. Ha!

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