Thoughts on Recent Events…

I try very hard to be compassionate and forgiving. I try so hard to extend grace and love, especially to those who don’t deserve it. As a Christian, I truly believe that God wants me to love everyone.

But some people fill me with hate and disgust. I hate violence- I don’t watch violent movies, I can’t stand MMA fighting, and I will never understand abuse. I hate stealing- if it doesn’t belong to you then don’t freaking touch it. It’s that simple. I consider assault- specifically sexual assault- to be a nasty combination of violence and theft. (There may be triggers in this post; just a warning.)

Now riddle me this, Batman. Why the hell do we find it ok to blame women after they’ve been attacked and sexually assaulted? Why is there a debate? Why don’t we, as a united community, demand justice when a woman is left half naked in an alley, beaten and bloody and raped. Why do we skeptically ask, “Was she drinking?” or “What was she wearing?”, instead of grabbing our pitchforks and torches and hunting down the piece of trash that attacked her? To me, this is a very black and white situation.

Have you read the letter from the Stanford warrior to her rapist? You should. Have you read the remarks from the rapist’s father? The rapist got 6 months in prison- 3 if he behaves. The survivor gets to spend the rest of her life piecing together what happened to her. Did you read what his father said? “His life will never be the one that he dreamed about and worked so hard to achieve. That is a steep price to pay for 20 minutes of action out of his 20 plus years of life.” Oh. So now we define ‘rape’ as “20 minutes of action”? No wonder his p.o.s. son thought raping a woman was ok. They can both go to hell.

ONE IN FIVE WOMEN ARE SEXUALLY ASSAULTED IN COLLEGE. Sexual assault ranges from unwanted kissing to rape. Only 11% of women reported actual forced oral sex or rape [source]. That “only” was sarcasm. And these numbers are just the women who report it. It makes me to sick to think that I am lucky that I wasn’t sexually assaulted.
Let me write that again: I am lucky that I wasn’t sexually assaulted during my 3 and a half years at college. What the hell. How is that an accurate sentence?

Based on this statistic, if K and I ever have a daughter and she decides to go to college I am essentially sending her to a place where she has a 20% chance of being sexually assaulted.

I made a mistake and read some of the comments on these links. People pointing out how they were both drunk and it was consensual so the slut is just looking for someone to blame. If that’s your take on it then go to hell fine, but the last time I had consensual sex my partner didn’t RUN away and leave me behind a dumpster naked and covered in dirt and blood.

I’m irate. And I’m sorry this post is so angry and raw. But THIS IS THE WORLD WE’RE LIVING IN RIGHT NOW, GUYS. This has to stop. We have to change this. We have to raise confident, respectful daughters. We have to raise confident, respectful sons. We have to believe and understand that “no” is enough- that SILENCE is enough. We have to stop making excuses. This has to stop. My children and their children- sons and daughters- will not live in fear.

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34 thoughts on “Thoughts on Recent Events…

  1. I’m with you. I’m spitting fire over this story. I am disgusted at the father. I am disgusted at the judge. I read an article today that tells what the two grad students who saw the attack, chased the rapist, and called police..what they saw. They saw an unconscious, unresponsive female. The cops came and she was still unresponsive. That is NOT a person that can give consent. You know this, I know this, how the hell does that judge think his sentence is appropriate to this act is beyond me. What if the victim was his daughter…would he still think it was an appropriate sentence? And, I’m sorry. If this was a black guy from the projects attacking her behind the dumpster, the sentence would have been far worse. Sadly, if it were a black guy from the projects attacking say, a dope fiend behind a dumpster in the projects, we may never have even heard the story. Ugh. Outraged.

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    1. His race and status definitely played a part in the outcome- I mean, his swim times were listed in the original article. (WHAT THE HECK.) I can’t understand why he should get any mercy or light punishment from the judge- I’d say mercy was the last thing on his mind during the attack.

      I read that one of the witnesses actual cried while giving his statement to the police because he was so shaken up and troubled by what he saw. Thank God for men (and women) like those bikers.

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  2. I literally can’t read people’s thoughts or comments on it because I know its just going to put me in that place where I’m angry/upset/sad/irrate… & there’s nothing I can do about it. I can’t change the world – I can’t change ignorant people’s opinions. I wish there was an answer to the STUPID that is happening in this world & how the values have changed so much.
    That father’s comments… that judge’s sentence… I want to go punch them all in their stupid stupid stupid faces…
    … but yes, I have to remember God loves them. Even if He’s disappointed in them. & I hang my hope & all my frustration in knowing God is in control… & vengeance is His in the end.
    Jesus come today!

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    1. I don’t blame you. I’ve avoided everything I can (including the video) regarding the Cincinnati Zoo incident. And I’ve really tried to limit my exposure to the attack that happened in my community. Sometimes you have to block the bad stuff out. I just couldn’t suppress my feelings on this one. As a woman, I’m incredibly offended. I can’t even imagine how the survivor feels 😦

      You’re right, though- God will give him what he’s got coming in the end.

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  3. Never read the comments, you know better! Obviously it’s the rapist’s fault, I will never deny that. 100%. But the sad fact is, this is the world we live in and girls NEED to take better care of themselves. Clearly the sickos of this world cannot be trusted and colleges and high schools and everywhere else need to give everyone courses on self defense and responsible drinking etc etc. It’s disgusting that it even has to be required, but that’s the reality of the current state. Honestly, I would have been screwed in college if I wasn’t in a sorority freshman year – those girls taught me everything. The Panhel counsel even hired guys to come in and teach us self defense. It shouldn’t have been on them though, the college should have provided it. If the school/state isn’t going to prosecute rapists, and men like that father are going to raise boys like that, they should at least give me free courses on this shit. Now they make nail polish that changes colors if you stir your finger in a drink with roofies in it. That should be free from the college too.

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    1. I do know better. That was a mistake.

      It irritates me that girls need to take better care of themselves. I understand and I think it was AWESOME of your sorority to provide that- but it pisses me off that it’s necessary. It makes me mad that there are monsters out there that prey on the women who wear shorter skirts or take their eyes off their beer for a minute.

      I have had inappropriate things said to me while sitting at my desk in a sweater and dress pants. It’s ridiculous and gross and a total norm of our society. It just immediately makes my blood boil.

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      1. i totally agree that it needs to be less about women taking care of ourselves and more about men behaving correctly. i distinctly remember sitting in freshmen orientation and being told about all the ways i need to protect myself (don’t walk alone, don’t drink too much, don’t accept a drink if you don’t know where it came from, etc). never once, not ONCE did anyone say “oh and guys – don’t even think about laying a finger on an inhibited woman. or only when hearing the word ‘yes’ may you engage in sexual activity with a conscious and willing member of society.”

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I made the mistake of reading the comments too. Sigh. It makes me hate society and it takes me a while to recover.

    I’m SO mad at the judge and his father but honestly, I feel sad for the boy. Not for what he’ll lose, but because his parents obviously failed him by giving him everything. He thought he was entitled to everything even an unconscious woman and didn’t think of any consequences because he’s probably never had any consequences when he’s done something wrong. Basically, his entitlement has made him into a psychopath.

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    1. Ugh. Society is filled with scum. That’s why I prefer my dogs, haha. If I was drunk on the floor at home they would just lick my hands and lay next to me while I sobered up 😉 Of course, they always have permission to kiss my drunk face.

      I can’t feel sympathy for the boy. I’ve really tried and I definitely went the route of blaming his parents in my head… but he was 20 years old. That’s AT LEAST 2 years of experience in the real world. There are rich and poor rapists in the world. I just can’t let him off the hook for being a rich kid. (I definitely agree that his entitlement contributed to his decisions, though.)

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      1. I don’t think he should be let off the hook. I just can see how his parents have created this monster especially after reading his dad’s despicable letter..although you’re right, I’m not sure what the right age of accountability is so it’s a grey area there but what we can agree on is, he should get more time…and that everyone needs to never read the comments on a news article.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. thank you for your voice on this audrey. i posted about this on my personal facebook and while 95% of people commenting agreed with how horrible everything about the situation is, there were a few men that STILL tried to tell me it’s up to women to ‘be smart and safe.’ i should be able to walk around completely naked and still no one gets to rape me or lay a finger on me. it’s infuriating and disgusting. talk about white privilege and a paternalistic society at it’s f-ing finest.

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    1. The whole story makes me nothing but mad. I know you’ll agree when I say that I want to be on the same side as men. I don’t want there to be a difference as far as respect goes. I don’t have a husband who takes the “male side” when it comes to issues like this- he is 100% on the side of justice and ethics. I don’t UNDERSTAND men who say, “Well you should know how to defend/avoid/distance yourself from us.” Are you really that savage? And you’re OK WITH THAT? Are we seriously raising half the population to touch and grab whatever they want whenever they want it? That’s disgusting. I will not wear a full body bag so that you can focus on your work/driving/task at hand.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Right?!?!?! I just can’t even with this story. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to teach my daughter that she’s worth more than all of the stars in the sky when society pulls stuff like this. Stuff that clearly tells her she’s worth no more than a few weeks taken away from some monster’s privileged life so he could have 20 minutes of “fun”. Nope. Something is wrong here and it needs fixed.

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    1. I can’t imagine how the survivor feels right now. I can only hope that the internet and her close friends/family are encouraging her and reassuring her that we definitely think it’s a bigger deal than “20 minutes of action.” I don’t know how people can be so savage and gross and shallow.

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  7. This is one of the only issues I haven’t read the comments section on, because while the comment section never fails to make me angry on other issues, I know with this case it would probably make me irate and nauseous.

    I just can’t imagine how you can call what happened “20 minutes of action.” And to imply that those 20 minutes were insignificant–that there shouldn’t be strict consequences. I absolutely despise this boy and his father. I’d like to hear the mother’s take on things…but I’m worried she would say more of the same (which as a woman would be so wrong).

    And (not that you said this at all) I don’t think it should be on women to avoid getting raped. Seriously? So a woman now can’t wear a skirt or high heels or drink alcohol or be outside at night (or even be wearing pants and a sweatshirt in broad daylight…rape and assault can happen anytime, anywhere)? It’s infuriating. Why should women have to take responsibility for the actions of men?

    Another thing that makes me sick is that this is pretty common for rapists. They get super short terms and this is the ‘precedent’ that’s being set. Why do we have a minimum sentence that’s so much longer than what rapists are getting?! I don’t understand. And even though it happens often, I still hope this judge loses his reelection bid this year. (I’m guessing the ones that get longer terms aren’t white Stanford-accepted star athlete ‘golden boys.’)

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    1. I shouldn’t have read the comments. Every single person who defend him in those comments or made a remark about her being drunk and consenting are the people that would do the EXACT SAME THING. So f-ing gross.

      I’m not sure how you raise a child to behave that way. And once they do commit a crime like that, I don’t know how you defend it. I love my brother/dad/husband SO much, but if I found out he raped a woman I would not/could not stand behind him. It’s a crime upon a crime to encourage or defend or lessen this savagery.

      I’ve been catcalled in a skirt and I’ve been catcalled in sweatpants. Predatory pigs don’t differentiate. I have many wonderful friends that are athletes and not all rectangles are squares, but I’m sick of seeing football and swimming and soccer outweigh a woman’s worth.

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  8. The people who say that it’s up to us to to prevent this shit are the people who are causing this shit. That is entirely the wrong way to think about it. I didn’t hear about the dad. He’s bitching about a SIX MONTH sentence when his son ruined a woman’s life? Absolutely ruining her life ON PURPOSE (fuck that shit about him doing it “on accident” after drinking too much) and he’s bitching that his son won’t be able to be a famous athlete?

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    1. I believe his dad’s statement was taken into consideration for the sentencing… so BECAUSE OF his father’s words he was given a ridiculously light sentence.

      When I am intoxicated I still know right and wrong. I don’t murder people. I don’t rape people. I don’t hit people. I don’t even steal things. If he’s wired to rape when he drinks then I’d prefer he be in prison forever- 6 months isn’t going to fix ANYTHING. It’s such a disgusting situation with a sickening outcome.

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  9. Thank you for writing this post, lady. I can tell you wrote it because you felt PASSIONATE about the topic, and that’s really the best reason to blog.

    While sometimes comments can be infuriating, I read them anyways, because at times there’s also real insight. In this particular case, the comment that spoke to me the most was a woman pointing out that raping a corpse will get you more time (minimum 10 years) than raping a living woman. If that’s not an example of how we are still living in a society that doesn’t treat woman as valuable, I don’t know what is…

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    1. I had no idea about that law. That certainly says a lot.

      I just can’t stand humans treating other humans so, so badly. It’s rules we (supposedly) learned as preschoolers: Don’t touch what doesn’t belong to you. Be nice to others. Ask permission before xyz. Say your sorry. BE RESPECTFUL.

      I hate violence, but this kind of crap makes me feel violent.

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  10. My post for tomorrow is messy and angry too so I appreciate this one. I have floundered over finding a way to not go off the rails about this.

    I have been subsisting on anger over this this week. It makes me feel better that others are also angry…but I wish the world wasn’t like this and we didn’t all have to be angry over the same thing.

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    1. It blows my mind that it’s 2016 and this is a thing. I really really don’t get it.

      I went psycho at lunch on Tuesday to my husband (who didn’t deserve it because his views totally align with mine). I was a raging bull. He sat there wide eyed and told me I would need to dine alone on Wednesday for lunch because he’d still be recovering.

      This kind of stupidity and violation just really lights me up. I’m looking forward to your post tomorrow.

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    1. It really does blow my mind that this is an issue in 2016. It should NEVER be an issue- women are HALF the population. Why the hell shouldn’t people pay us all the same respect? Some people are monsters.

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  11. Thank you for talking about this. You have articulated so well the way I feel about this. I’m so sick of the rape culture that we live in. It seems to get worse and worse every day with comments like “That is a steep price to pay for 20 minutes of action.” We have to continue fighting and speaking out, so thank you for writing this.

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    1. Thank you, Carolann.
      The rape culture is so sick and twisted. Women are attacked REGARDLESS of alcohol, clothing, etc. because a rapist is a rapist and they prey on us. (They prey on men, too, in some cases. It’s a problem for everyone.) It’s a big issue and I really hope that if there’s a silver lining to be had in all this it’s women finding a voice to say, “We’re doing with this crap.”

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  12. Love this, and we were definitely on the same page today. You shouldn’t apologize for being angry over this: it’s horrible and you have every right to be pissed off! This could have been any of us. ANY OF US. We need to get off our high horses. I was grabbed and groped in college and in bars and really, it never seemed worth it to report it. What would be done? So you let it go… and that is truly sad. We just expect this stuff to happen!

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    1. You’re right- I take back my apology 😉
      Very very few things make me more angry than when I’m walking my dogs and someone catcalls me. I become instantly pissed. Usually it’s from a car, but once in a while it comes from someone on a front porch and that makes my hair on my neck stand up. ALL I’M DOING IS WALKING MY DOGS (in jeans and a sweatshirt- not that that’s important). Do NOT call out to me and DO NOT make inappropriate comments. This country’s/world’s rape culture sets my whole body on fire.

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  13. I feel your anger, girl. I am furious along with you. FURIOUS. Thankfully my husband is just as pissed. This makes me think of the church I grew up in. I loved that church, but they preached modesty like you wouldn’t believe. I’m all for modesty, but this was the kind of environment where women were told to cover up, lest we tempt our brothers in Christ. I haaaate that. I believe the Bible commands up to be sexually pure and I’m sure not walking around in public naked would fall under that category to a degree, but the implication that I’m responsible for the thoughts of those around me makes me LIVID. I always come back to that mentality when rape cases like this happen. I believe that as women we need to be very aware of our surroundings and extremely careful with our actions, but as many others have pointed out, it SHOULDN’T be our responsibility to not do “xyz” because someone could take advantage of us. Rape can happen anytime, anywhere. It happened to my friend’s sister in a church.

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    1. Ahh! I hit publish before I was done. ANYWAY. I do think women need to be careful, but it burns me up that we HAVE to be so careful because freaks and creeps are lurking around. Shouldn’t men be our protectors? I hate this world. I’ve been so discouraged about it lately. UGH.

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      1. I’m not anti-modesty by any means, but I definitely agree that REGARDLESS of what I’m wearing no one has the right to attacked or harass me. I get catcalled while I walk my dogs and I typically have on jeans and a t-shirt. Obviously that’s not the same as rape, but it makes me SO MAD when people justify a dress code with “you should dress like this so you’re not distracting others.” I am NOT responsible for other people’s brains.

        Six years ago K and I took a trip to Nantucket for a friends wedding. The night before the wedding everyone wanted to go out but I was only 20 and the bar wouldn’t let me in. I said that it was fine (it was- most everyone was K’s friend) and they walked me to the hotel and left me there with a book and snacks. Roughly three hours later I got a very drunk, incoherent call from my boyfriend saying that he’d left the bar and he’s lost. Mind you, the island is 14 miles long so he really can’t go far, but he needed me to come get him. The hotel we’re staying at was roughly half a miles from the bar so I grabbed the room key and headed out.
        I can GUARANTEE you that my boyfriend/husband was NOT worried about being raped or assaulted why wandering the streets. He was super drunk, tie undone, bouncing from street to street- but I’m positive he wasn’t worried someone would attack him and rape him. I was WAY more concerned about being attacked or approach WHILE looking for him AND sober.
        This world is ridiculous.

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