A few posts ago I made mention of a co-ed softball team that I was asked to join this summer.

Not to brag, but as a last round draft pick (a.k.a. after the team was formed and after they exhausted their substitutes for a few weeks they brought me on full time), I bring a lot of knowledge to the sports table. Buckle up because I’m about to learn you some pro softball tips.

First and foremost: my credentials. I played eight years total of T-ball, baseball, and softball. Assigned to the outfield for optimal clover picking in my early years, my last few seasons spent on the field were at first and catcher. Unlike those pansies who see their careers end with devastating injuries, I honorably retired from softball just before high school because I was afraid of the fast pitching. No shame in my game, friends.

Now, on to the life changing softball advice I have to offer all you newbs.

Wear a hat. And sunscreen. As someone who mostly avoids going outside when the temperature exceeds 80 degrees, I must urge you to protect yourself. I would advise eyewear as well, except I’ve left two different sunglasses at the ball park two different time, never to be seen again. I can’t be trusted with more than a hat. But maybe you can.

When batting, don’t chuck your bat haphazardly. The catcher doesn’t appreciate that… I might’ve heard one squeal the last time I awkward flung my bat and took off for first……..

Hit the ball far. Hitting is not my strong suit. I used to think my strong suit was fielding but then I missed two pop-ups in the same game so I think my strong suit might be warming the bench. Or cheering on others. I got off topic in this paragraph.

Hit the ball far, part 2. Listen… I am out of breath every single game because unlike the rest of my team who all power that softball into the grass, giving themselves plenty of time to run, I barely chip it and send it right to the pitcher. Thus, I’m running balls out (pun intended) to first to try and make it safely. I am successful 50% of the time. Don’t take this as a weakness, though. It’s called strategy. GEEZ.

Use a glove that is less than two decades old. I won’t lie, I’m not 100% sure where my glove came from. I know when I first started playing ball I had a black glove and then I got this tan one- but I don’t think we bought it. I think it might’ve been passed down from a relative. All that to say, the former owner got the benefit of padding and structure. My glove is a very, very limp piece of leather. And I think it’s actually a baseball glove. (They tell me there’s a difference.)

Learn the positions. We all know first base and third base, but do you know which field is left and which field is right? Honestly, I don’t either. But I play in one of them. It’s the one behind first base and when a lefty steps up to the plate everyone on the field side-eyes me nervously.

Learn your place. Are you the all-star? The comic relief? The comedian? I like to think I’m the quiet one that keeps to myself and smiles awkwardly if an unfamiliar teammate sits too close to me. (I kid. That was my place but I know everyone now, lol.)

I think those are enough tips for a Tuesday. I don’t want to overwhelm you. Obviously feel free to reach out if you have any questions. Myself or one of my many agents will get back to you promptly. Email me at audreyhasn’tplayedsoftballin+15years@whydidisayyes.com*.

😜

**Not a real email.