Originally today was going to be a rant-y day. I had stuff to complain about and dramatic stories to tell. My post was all queued up and ready to go but to be perfectly honest, I’m not feeling it right now.
(I won’t keep you in suspense. I was going to talk about my week without K, the absurdity of “hate-reading/-watching/-following”, and my love for Amazon clothes. Very random.)
I haven’t gotten a good rant out on here in a while, and I tried to come up with something (a.k.a. the hate-follow thing), but I’m really not into it. That’s not to say I’m not irritated about stuff (the government, work situations, internet trolls, etc.), but writing is my outlet and I don’t want to funnel that toxicity through my brain & into my hands, forever etched in words here. I’m trying to find ways to acknowledge and give a nod to these feelings, then let them go without making any kind of permanent, negative impact on me. Less time focusing on drama, more time figuring out how to improve myself, my world, and myself in the world.
That sounds kind of hippy and I’m ok with it… I’ve drawn most of this from recent yoga and meditation classes, as well as other efforts to keep my mind aware and present.
In my life I struggle BIG with anger and jealousy and full-body sadness sometimes. It’s not an ocean that I drown in, but those feelings come in huge waves that knock me off my feet. I feel broken and less than and like a failure of a human when I allow these emotions to overcome me. I thought the answer was building a wall against the bad and trying to flood the inside of my mental fort with happiness.
The last few guided meditations I’ve done have kind of been the opposite. I’ve been focusing & letting those events or people or feelings IN. Taking notice of them, acknowledging that they had a place and a purpose, and then letting them go. Or sending good energy toward them. Or just simply accepting that I feel that way and being ok with it.
All of this in my head with no check list to mark or line item to cross off. That’s a tough pill to swallow for me, honestly. I like physical, concrete solutions and closure. But just because it’s happening inside my head, why on Earth should that mean that it is not real? 😉
And this has helped my daily attitude and my reaction to other people and events outside my control. I still get angry and sad and jealous when my environment is less than ideal, but more often now I don’t scold myself for feeling that way or release those emotions on the people around me. (Sometimes I still have terrible reactions and forget to apply awareness to my situations. I’m not perfect, I haven’t perfected this whole mind over matter thing.) I’m trying to live with my emotions, in the moment, and release them before moving on to the next moment.
I have a good memory and I’ve always held grudges- this practice helps me to “release” those grudges. I internalize problems, both mine and those I love- this awareness helps me to recognize the problem and empathize with them, but not to carry the weight when there’s little I can do. I have a lot of pride and, despite my introvert tendencies, I have FOMO sometimes- but when I’m aware of what I’m doing and what needs to be done to accept the situation, I’m a little better at just letting things go.
Don’t take this as a ‘yay, me’ post. I screw up & fall short all the time, but it helps decrease my anxiety when I filter out the drama and (try to) remain in awareness of my strong emotions. I once wrote a post about my mental diet, and adhering to the limits I’ve set for myself in regards to outside noise helps, too.
I’m sharing this today because I think anxiety and depression is wide spread and hopefully this is helpful for someone. Your brain is an organ and it’s important to monitor, exercise, nourish, and heal your brain (just like your heart or lungs). And when it is unhealthy or tired, you should take care of it. I’m a big believer in meditation, awareness, therapy, medication, etc. Take care of yourself and do so without shame.
Shoutout to my incredible local yoga studio, Be Yoga. I get so much out of my practice and participation there.
And to my blog friends and physical friends, when the world is crushing and you’re feeling out of control, I’m one email, text, or phone call away.