I Can’t Find the Balance

Life has most certainly changed since adding “mom” to my resume. I was stressed and tired before I had a child. I am stressed and tired now that I have a child. Lol. My time is completely monopolized by a small human and when I’m not with her I’m working.

I had no intention of taking such a huge step back from the blog world. I don’t feel bad about it or pressure to come back/keep up, but I’m sad that I don’t have much time or energy for this outlet. I’d like to prioritize it more. I’d like to prioritize reading more. My time was not my own for a long time after M arrived. Most of time it’s still not, but we do have a better handle on it. I’m back to work, Maddie has a real bedtime, and she takes naps… so I’ve got a small amount of wiggle room for me time 😉

The balance between being an employee and being a mom is much, much tougher for me. I won’t lie- I thought I’d miss work and long to go back and be absolutely ok with sharing M with sitters/family/daycare. And all of that has been true but it’s not that simple.

I miss my kid. I’m jealous of the snuggles other people get. I’m grateful for the break, but I don’t like being away from her. I feel like I’m halfass-ing the mom thing.

I’m lucky to be back to work on a part time basis; I stay home/hang out with M two days a week. I love that time with her. But I feel like a halfass employee. I hate missing meetings and being out of the loop for a day or two. My emails pile up, I know there are people covering my jobs, I miss the camaraderie of being with my coworkers every day.

So as my title suggests, I can’t find the balance. I think it might be a unicorn kind of thing… I don’t know that one exists. “Balance” is the wrong word. I think it’s more like a formula- and I think it’s something everyone has to tailor to their own needs, wants, desires, & aspirations. And I’m still figuring out what those things are.

Anyway, my goal right now is to get back into the things that makes me happy when I can spare a free moment. Reading, blogging, writing, scrapbooking. Maybe not everything at once, but definitely the former two right now. So here I am blogging- and I’ll be here on Thursday, too.

I’ll see you then 😊

22 thoughts on “I Can’t Find the Balance

  1. Girl, I totally feel you on this!!! Even three years later, I am still trying to find balance in my life. I am slowly adding more hobbies that I enjoy back into the mix. Mostly reading more, working out and trying to blog here and there when I can sit down to flesh out a post. I have ambitions of scrap booking and side hustling and all these other things, but then I also need to go play barbies, watch Fancy Nancy, attend a tea party and change a costume for the millionth time. Never, ever feel like you are half-assing your life though!!!!! Because you are doing both (mom and employee) and you are a rock star. You are not alone. That little girl will appreciate one day that you worked to provide for her.

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    • Whew. Good luck to both of us. Lol. I can’t even think about scrapbooking right now. I just nod cordially to that corner of stuff when I pass it. HA. I could definitely read more, but it’s a matter of choosing that over TV or sleeping. Lol. Plus K and I spend time together on the couch at night and he’s not a reader… so if I want to be in the room with him I usually watch TV (unless it’s something I can ignore & read over).
      Thank you so much for the encouraging words ❤ You're doing amazing, too!!

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  2. congrats! having a little one is life changing and things will continue to be life changing until they’re much older and able to manage most things on their own #realtalk.

    that said, don’t let the ‘mom guilt’ get to you. in fact, i don’t even believe in ‘mom guilt’ bc we do what we need to with what we have. if you need a break, take one. if you want to go back to work full time, do it. if you want to quit working to spend more time with you family/baby, do it….whatever makes you happy and what works for your family, do that.

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    • They certainly do change your life. Lol.
      I like the part time situation I have going on… I just need to silence that ridiculous guilt I put on myself. We’re also still working the sitter schedule out so once that’s a little more routine I think I’ll feel better.

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  3. Like you said, I find that the majority of these days- even after a few years of being a mom to a newborn and growing toddler…there is no real balance. Bella was a MOOD Sunday and I was anxious to get back to work Monday, then 2 hours later at my desk I’m looking at her pictures with tears in my eyes because I missed her so much. Being a parent is so exhausting and rewarding at the same time and it’s hard to understand where exactly you are in life and what is right or wrong for your situation. I feel guilty when I sit and read a book on the couch while she’s playing, even though she’s content. Then other times I know I need a solo trip to the store to decompress. All that to say- I understand what you are saying and it’s okay. You’re doing a wonderful job and as time continues to go on you’ll see the ebbs and flows, and please know you never know 1000% if there’s balance or you can find it, but what matters is that your child is loved and happy, which I’m positive she is. Seriously, feel free to always reach out to me. Keep up the great work, just you thinking about all these things already proves what a wonderful Mother you are. XOXO!

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    • Yes yes yes. I count down to bedtime some days but then I end up looking at her pictures and videos on my phone once she’s asleep (and fighting the urge to go pick her up! ha).
      Thank you, friend ❤ Bella is so dang lucky to have a thoughtful and down to earth mama like you.

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  4. It’s like the quote – “women can do it all, just not at the same time.” It’s true for everyone, but women – mostly moms – get flack for not being able to do it all. You’re a mom, you’re a worker. You can’t necessarily do all the things all at the same time, but you’re doing great. I’m glad you’re able to be home part time with M. I’m sure it’s tough to be away from her, and it’s tough to be away from the job/co-workers. Hopefully you’ll find a formula that works best for you and your family and the business. But right now, I think you’re on the right track – and yes, I hope you find more “me” time too. Always important!

    -Lauren
    http://www.shoootingstarsmag.net

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    • Thanks, Lauren. That quote is so so true. And women tend to feel such pressure to do it all. If only we could get that under control as we age. Sigh. Thank you!! I really love that I get to send time with her. I’d be so sad to be back full time, I think.

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  5. I’m sure you don’t want to hear this but I feel like finding a balance is always going to be difficult. I can’t even imagine giving up work completely but at the same time I feel bad for even thinking I would get bored spending 24/7 with my hypothetical future kid after struggling so hard to even have them. The only right way is what works for you and your family and I’m sure with time you will figure out where your sweet spot between baby and work lies. It’s still early days right now and you’re all adjusting. Whatever you do, make sure you do take time for yourself as well, whatever that may look like.

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    • I think you’re absolutely right- whether I want to hear it or not. Lol
      I think the part time gig is just right right now. I would get bored and lazy being home every day. And I would miss M way way way too much if I worked full time. I think we just need to iron things out and get used to the routine right now 🙂

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  6. I don’t think there *is* a balance. I thought I’d find one eventually? We’re 19 months in and it’s just ever-changing. It’s mostly all good things, but I agree that you always feel like you’re looking for more balance (and I’m SAHMing right now).

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    • I think you’re right. I’ve tried to keep it in my head that babies change and change and then change again. It’s definitely a tough lesson and lifestyle for this type-a to get use to… lol.

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  7. Not a mom, so who cares what I think, but I do know that balance is so elusive. I think it’s safe to say you won’t ever feel truly balanced. All you can really do is be the best you can be in that moment! Hang in there, and be confident in the fact that you are doing awesome!!!

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    • Oh my gosh, stop! I care what you think! Balance is balance and we’re all trying to achieve some level of it 😉 I think you’re right about it’s elusiveness.
      Thank you, friend ❤

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  8. Argh I had a whole long thing posted and lost it! Basically, I’ve been doing this for 5.5 years and I’ve done many combos of working and being home with 1-3 kids, and you’re right on track with the formula analogy. Balance is a myth. It’s about finding what percentage of time given to each of the facets of your life works best. And that might change from week to week or year to year. It’s never ending (and I’m still very tired 😆) but it starts to feel more like second nature as time goes on. And since you already have it more together than I think I ever did with my first 😂, you’re going to find the right formula for this phase very soon.

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    • Thank you, friend. Anyone with more than one child is a super parent. Lol. I don’t know how y’all do it. And M is truly a super chill, easy going kid. I’m just so high strung and type a. It’s something I’m going to have to work on because I never want her to feel the silly stress I put on myself. I’m trying to remind myself what matters and what doesn’t. And the idea of giving a certain percentage to different facets is genius and such an eloquent way to put it. Thank you! ❤ You're most definitely a mom worth looking up to- you do an amazing job!

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  9. It’s a struggle. I think all of mom life is adjusting to seasons of where baby is at… you’ll find your new routines.
    It will all ease out & you’ll find the things you love to do again – will probably find a lot more new things you love & probably find the things you’re seeing you need to let go of. Totally hoping that’s not your blog because I love your writing & am excited to watch M grow up here 🙂 #nopressure LOL

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    • I think you’re right 🙂
      I love the idea of finding new things to love through parenting M. What a positive and exciting way to look at it! I will do my very very best to stick around in Blogland. And on IG, too!

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  10. You are so right that there’s never really a balance. Sometimes, I also feel like a half-ass mom and half-ass employee because I am trying to do my best at both but it feels impossible. Just know, it WILL get easier, but the struggle will still be there to an extent. All you can do is your best and that is OKAY!

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