The Bridesmaid Diaries

I’m not sure how things work with the men, but the ladies’ side of a wedding party can get nuts. (I’m pretty sure most men smuggle in flasks, make jokes about it “not being too late to run…”, and bitch about uncomfortable rental shoes.) If you’ve ever been in a bridal party maybe you’ve experience these types of women:

The takes-herself-too-seriously maid/matron of honor. You can reach out and ask if she needs help, but Ashley has everything taken care of. She’s even stuck personalized labels on all 87 water bottles at the bridal shower. If you need anything you can get a hold of her with the number she printed on the bottom of the ‘day-of’ itinerary she passed out at the rehearsal dinner.

The I’m-over-it maid/matron of honor. Excited at first, but then fully consumed by med school. She let the bridesmaids plan the bridal shower, took the bride to a dive bar for the bachelorette party, and she forgot her shoes on the day of the wedding. You know she and the bride are never speaking again after the big day.

The I-should-be-the-maid-of-honor bridesmaid. After the maid of honor gives her speech, Victoria stands to give hers. At the shower she low-key takes charge and rolls her eyes at the streamers and balloon hung by the m.o.h. And dress shopping? She will literally claw your eyes out to sit between the bride and the bride’s mother.

The flower girl/ring bearer’s mom bridesmaid. Raising kids is tough work and she’s been a little absent from the pre-wedding festivities. (Hell, y’all didn’t bother inviting her to the bachelorette party.) Getting kids to behave and perform at a wedding after getting their hair done, missing their nap, and strapping them into an itchy dress is damn near impossible. Someone get this woman a medal and a dirty martini at the reception.

The shit-show bridesmaid. Sometimes she responds to the group chat, sometimes she doesn’t. The bride bought her bridesmaid dress just to ensure she’d have it in time for the wedding. Her phone is dead 75% of the time, she’s late for every get together, and you’re pretty sure she came to the bridesmaid brunch in pajamas. For whatever reason, the bride keeps her around.

The friend-since-elementary-school bridesmaid. Since she still lives in the same town as the bride, she’s available and present at every event. As long as she has time to schedule off from her nursing job at the hospital, Lanie can show up to any event and help with any last minute details. Plus the bride’s parents just love her.

The college-friend bridesmaid. With a million inside jokes fresh on her mind, she’s always throwing out a quip that makes the bride laugh and give her that, ‘I’m glad you’re here’ look. Unfortunately, the open bar and single groomsman at the reception are her #1 focus as the night progresses.

The new-friend-bridesmaid. Having only met a year ago through work, this hip chick and the bride have bonded over girls’ nights out, monthly book club, and Sunday coffee dates. Will the friendship will last forever? Who knows. The wedding pictures will, though.

The sister-of-the-groom bridesmaid. While you’re sure she loves (or will grow to love) the bride, we all know she’s working her tail off trying to keep her beloved brother happy and put together. She’ll ensure that the whole show runs smoothly and on-time for the sake of her parents’ friends (a.k.a. the wedding guests).

The girlfriend-of-the-bride’s-brother bridesmaid. Let’s be real, Kelsey doesn’t give a shit about the wedding, the bride, or the nuptials. She just wants to hit up the open bar at dinner. She’s only been with the bride’s brother for 7 months and you’re pretty sure they’re on a break right now anyway, but it was too late to kick her out.


*Please pick up on the satire here. While I’m sure I’ve described some bridesmaids to a T, I’ve stood next wonderful people in weddings and don’t condone categorizing people into such general boxes 😉 I’m also a strong girls support girls advocate so, ya know, this is all in fun.

But also… one of these sounds familiar, right? Maybe you even identify as one. Haha. I know I do…

Thoughts I have while sitting at the OB/GYN

We’ve all been there. (Well, those of us with a XX sex chromosome.) Sitting in that chilly, white-walled exam room wearing nothing but an open-front cloth gown, that comfy paper “blanket” over our bare legs. It’s my second favorite place, only to a spa. Feeling vulnerable and naked is the best. (…sarcasm)

I was treated to this luxury on Tuesday. Like all good doctor offices, I was left to wait in this exposed state for roughly 20 minutes. That’s a long time to sit naked on a plush bench. It leaves a lot of time for my thoughts to wander and roam. Here’s a pretty accurate recapulation…

‘I wonder if my nervous butt sweat is leaving an imprint on this paper.’

‘What if she finds some weird growth…?’

‘Oh geez. Please don’t find anything weird.’

shocked_kitty

‘I should’ve shaved my legs.’

‘I wonder how many times Dr. ____ has to look at lady parts per day.’

‘What makes you want that job??’

‘…then again, that’d be kind of interesting.’

‘Weird, Audrey.’

concerned_Justin

‘My feet are freezing.’

‘What’s this weird red mark? I hope she sees it and diagnoses me.’

‘What if it’s skin cancer?? I better ask her.’

‘That weird clamp thing is so gross. What if it got stuck open?’

*chills thinking about that*

‘I really do like my doctor, but I wish she’d hurry up.’

‘I can’t imagine having a male ob/gyn.’

‘She’s going to ask me if I exercise. Should I lie? I’m going to lie.’

‘Yeah, right. I’ll definitely tell her the truth.’

‘No I don’t exercise, Yes I drink alcohol. At least I can say, “No I don’t smoke.”‘

‘One outta three ain’t bad.’

‘Ughhh. I only have an hour lunch break, lady!’

‘Was that her voice on the other side of the door?’

happy_Aubrey

‘Oh crap, my gown just opened.’

‘….I guess that doesn’t matter much. She’ll see it all soon anyway.’

‘Man, I hope there’s nothing weird going on down there.’

‘Crap, I have to pee…’

And that’s usually when the door opens and the doctor comes in. And you guys know how it goes from there.

For the record, I have a clean bill of health. Woo. So until March 2017… See ya later, doctor ‘gator.

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