Chats With K

One week and one day until Christmas! Woo!

That’s a weak lead-in to some pretty humorous* chats with K that I jotted down…
*in my opinion

K: I need DEF. [for his truck]
Me: … Mos Def? LL COOL J. Luda. Biggie biggie biggie. Tupac
K: *just stares at me*
Me: Want to name 90s rapper with me?
K: Mos Def is an actor. 
Me: He’s both. Like Ice Cube. 
K: …
Me: Ice-T?
K: There ya go. 


Me: You have a booger. 
K: I know! I feel it. 
Me: Did you put it there?
K: Yep. 
Me: Have you named it?
K: Yeah, Batman. 
Me: …because it’s in the cave. 
K: I call him Bruce. 


Me: Can you look at the timer?
K: Yep. 
Me: …
K: …
Me: Can you tell me what it says? 


K: Bristol is stoned tonight. 
Me: How many drops of the cbd oil did you give her?
K: Just five like the bottle says. 

Three hours later & Bristol has been asleep the entire time. 

Me: How many did you really give her?
K: … eight. 


K: Whoaaaa. The girl I married wouldn’t have out these black flecks on the veggies! (pepper)
Me: The girl you knew is all grown up.
K: …that girl just made little smokies for dinner. 


Me to Moo: You about ready for a nap, babe?
K: Yeah. 
Me: Is she giving sleepy cues?
K: No, I meant me. 


Me*while watching Dan & Shay perform with Justin Bieber*: You know, I’ve never in my life found Justin Bieber attractive but this might do it. 
K: Oh yeah?
Me: I mean, they say he is very talented.
K: Yeah, he just leaves monkeys in Germany.


K: They just called the Goo Goo Dolls classic rock. 
Me: Yeah… they are. What would you call them?
K: Just rock. 
Me: How old does a car have to be to be considered classic?
K: …25 years. 
Me: And when did the Goo Goo Dolls start? 
K: Leave me alone.

In his defense, most of Twitter was outraged to hear the Goo Goo Dolls referred to as classic. Lol

Chats With K

Hi! Welcome to another edition of chats with K (a.k.a. my husband).

While browsing bridesmaid dresses for my bff’s wedding.
Me: Ooh, I like this one but it’s a high-low and she said long.
K: What the hell is a “high-low”?
Me: Shorter in the front and longer in the back.
K: Oh, a mullet dress.


Me: We need to talk about something. *launches into a parenting theory and how it applies to what we’re doing with M and eventually lands on the conclusion that we’re doing things right and we probably don’t need to change*
K: … … … ok.
Me: I guess we didn’t really need to talk about anything. I could’ve kept that in my head.
K: Yeah… that’s very true.


Me: You’re chewing gum. You don’t usually chew gum.
K: I had an eye doctor appointment today and they were right in my face.
Me: But… you had a mask on…
K: Farts go through pants!


After walking up the stairs to put M down for a nap…
K: Have you started feeding her yet?
Me: No, why? Do you need something?
K: I need you to come here a minute….
I walk back down the stairs & K meets me there.
K: Ok, I’ll take her *scoops M from my arms* and you need to go kill the big black fuzzy thing on the window sill. You should take a shoe. Or a shotgun.

*It was a spider. K hates spiders.


After an extremely stressful day at work and 20 minutes of yelling for Bristol to stop attacking a bird in the backyard and then cleaning up the dead bird/wiping blood off the dog….
K: How are you not drinking wine yet…!?


I think I took a glass of wine to bed with me after that last conversation. LOL. Thank goodness M was asleep for most of that!

Chats with K

The world is depressing and heavy right now so today I’m sharing some recent conversations with K that are neither depressing nor heavy.

Me: How’s she doing?
K: Good. I’m a snot machine in the other hand.
Me: What color?
K: Clear.
Me: …that was a very “mom question” wasn’t it?
K: Yes. 


*while in the car*
Me: Uh oh.
K: What?
Me: I think I smell a poopy diaper.
K: … um no. That was me. I farted. 


Me: If you die first I’m putting mascara on you in your casket.
K: No you’re not.
Me: I am.
K: If you die first I’m having a party.
*a little context here: K has beautiful eyelashes. I’ve been asking to put mascara on them since we first started dating…*


Me: Why are you so testy tonight?
K: Because I made our daughter bleed while clipping her nails!
Me: Ok, but that’s not my fault. She’s fine. Don’t take it out on me.
K: I’m taking it out on everyone.
Me:
K:
Me: Ok, well I’m going to go to laundry because it’s more fun than you right now. 

Find a reason to smile, friends. And wash your hands!

Chats With K

We had some of these conversations months ago but it was before baby was public news 😉

K: That’s a good hospital but it’s kind of far away for taking care of the dogs.
Me: We’ll work that out before hand and have a sitter on call.
K: But for me to go home at night.
Me: …Ha. No. You’re at the hospital with me. You sleep on the couch or chair in the room.
K: WHAT? What if my back hurt?
Me: Your chiropractor is in the area. It’ll be perfect.
K *grumbles*: But I won’t be allow to leave the prison to go.
Me: The next 18 years are a prison, baby. 

A few months later he tried this one…

K: What hotels are close to the hospital?
Me: Why does that matter?
K: So I have some place to sleep.
Me: You do- in the room on the couch.
K: Maybe you could let me sleep in your bed.
Me: Keep this up and you won’t even be around 💀


Me: So are we gonna go maternity pictures or newborn-
K: I can’t focus on that right now.
Me: What? Why?
K: because I’m about to Night Rider right over this truck. 

Me: No you’re not. 


Me: I’m so nervous.
K: You don’t have any control over it.
Me: You need to practice your empathy.
K: *says nicely* You don’t have any control over it.
Me: Saying it nicer isn’t empathy. 


Me: I even scrubbed the stove today!
K: Look at you! You Maria Canoodle-d that stove!
Me: …what?
K: Those cooked-on stains and charred foods didn’t bring you joy and you got rid of them.
Me: Wow. Marie Kondo and that’s not exactly how it works.

If our kid gets his wit and humor I will never run out of conversations to share. Lol

Chats with K

Thank you for all the baby love, friends ❤️ You guys are seriously the greatest people I’ve never met 😊

Today I have a bunch of chats with K that I never got around to sharing!

Me: Shoot! Did we miss Jeopardy?
K: Nope. I’d say you’re about 70 years early.

I paused Dirt and got up to let the dogs out. K picked up my book (Daisy Jones) to mock me for reading 2 or 3 minute at a time when I can (like when he lets the dogs out).
Me: You’re so funny.
K *pauses because he’s actually reading a small part*: We’re watching a movie about sex and drugs and music… and you’re reading a book about sex and drugs and music.
Me: Yeah, it reminded me that I wanted to watch this movie.

*walks into K’s office* Me: Have you seen the news?
K: About the thing in France that’s on fire?
Me: “The thing in France“? THAT’S NOTRE DAME, KYLE!
He’s not really one for international landmarks.

Me: I figured cereal would help my heartburn because of the milk but I think the cereal part makes it worse.
K: Want me to take one for the team? I’ll eat the Fruity Pebbles and you can have the leftover mi- No, I don’t want to give up the best part.
Me: Literally any other cereal milk, Kyle. Not that gross crap.
K: The sugary cereal makes the best milk- Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Frosted Flakes, Cheerios.
Me: …Cheerios don’t have sugar.
K: Yes they do, when you eat them correctly.

Me: While we’re in Phoenix would you rather drive to the Grand Canyon for the day or take a train ride through the desert canyons?
K: Ehh… I’ve seen Back to the Future. I know how train rides through the desert go. Somewhere out there there’s a bridge that isn’t finished and I don’t want to come across it.
Me: …are you kidding me?

Me: How do I look?
K: Different…
Me: That’s not a compliment. “Different” and “bad” are not good answers.
K: You don’t look bad………. you just look like you stole your wardrobe from the cast of Little Women.
Me: Still. Not. A. Compliment.

Such a way with words, lol.