Audrey Family, Humor

A Tale of Two Toddlers

On Sunday we went to church and left Moo in the toddlers’ room during the service.

When we picked her up, the volunteers in the room told us that another little girl had gotten hurt and M was first on the scene to pat her head and give her a hug.

My mommy-heart LITERALLY burst.

Later that afternoon I held M and told her that my absolute favorite feedback regarding her isn’t about intellect or beauty- it’s about her generosity and kindness. I think it might’ve gone over her 16 month old head, but whatever.

Then, that evening during a bedtime tantrum, Moo smacked my face repeated and slashed me with her Wolverine-like nails.

So all of that to say, you win some and you lose some.

LOL.

Hope everyone had a very Happy Easter / weekend and my tale of Dr. Jekly and Mr(s). Moo reminds you that there are great and terrible moments in every 24 hour period. Bank the good ones and keep Neosporin on hand for the bad.

Audrey Humor, Relationships

Chats With K

One week and one day until Christmas! Woo!

That’s a weak lead-in to some pretty humorous* chats with K that I jotted down…
*in my opinion

K: I need DEF. [for his truck]
Me: … Mos Def? LL COOL J. Luda. Biggie biggie biggie. Tupac
K: *just stares at me*
Me: Want to name 90s rapper with me?
K: Mos Def is an actor. 
Me: He’s both. Like Ice Cube. 
K: …
Me: Ice-T?
K: There ya go. 

Me: You have a booger. 
K: I know! I feel it. 
Me: Did you put it there?
K: Yep. 
Me: Have you named it?
K: Yeah, Batman. 
Me: …because it’s in the cave. 
K: I call him Bruce. 

Me: Can you look at the timer?
K: Yep. 
Me: …
K: …
Me: Can you tell me what it says? 

K: Bristol is stoned tonight. 
Me: How many drops of the cbd oil did you give her?
K: Just five like the bottle says. 

Three hours later & Bristol has been asleep the entire time. 

Me: How many did you really give her?
K: … eight. 

K: Whoaaaa. The girl I married wouldn’t have out these black flecks on the veggies! (pepper)
Me: The girl you knew is all grown up.
K: …that girl just made little smokies for dinner. 

Me to Moo: You about ready for a nap, babe?
K: Yeah. 
Me: Is she giving sleepy cues?
K: No, I meant me. 

Me*while watching Dan & Shay perform with Justin Bieber*: You know, I’ve never in my life found Justin Bieber attractive but this might do it. 
K: Oh yeah?
Me: I mean, they say he is very talented.
K: Yeah, he just leaves monkeys in Germany.

K: They just called the Goo Goo Dolls classic rock. 
Me: Yeah… they are. What would you call them?
K: Just rock. 
Me: How old does a car have to be to be considered classic?
K: …25 years. 
Me: And when did the Goo Goo Dolls start? 
K: Leave me alone.

In his defense, most of Twitter was outraged to hear the Goo Goo Dolls referred to as classic. Lol

Audrey Humor, Relationships

Chats With K

Hi! Welcome to another edition of chats with K (a.k.a. my husband).

While browsing bridesmaid dresses for my bff’s wedding.
Me: Ooh, I like this one but it’s a high-low and she said long.
K: What the hell is a “high-low”?
Me: Shorter in the front and longer in the back.
K: Oh, a mullet dress.

Me: We need to talk about something. *launches into a parenting theory and how it applies to what we’re doing with M and eventually lands on the conclusion that we’re doing things right and we probably don’t need to change*
K: … … … ok.
Me: I guess we didn’t really need to talk about anything. I could’ve kept that in my head.
K: Yeah… that’s very true.

Me: You’re chewing gum. You don’t usually chew gum.
K: I had an eye doctor appointment today and they were right in my face.
Me: But… you had a mask on…
K: Farts go through pants!

After walking up the stairs to put M down for a nap…
K: Have you started feeding her yet?
Me: No, why? Do you need something?
K: I need you to come here a minute….
I walk back down the stairs & K meets me there.
K: Ok, I’ll take her *scoops M from my arms* and you need to go kill the big black fuzzy thing on the window sill. You should take a shoe. Or a shotgun.

*It was a spider. K hates spiders.

After an extremely stressful day at work and 20 minutes of yelling for Bristol to stop attacking a bird in the backyard and then cleaning up the dead bird/wiping blood off the dog….
K: How are you not drinking wine yet…!?

I think I took a glass of wine to bed with me after that last conversation. LOL. Thank goodness M was asleep for most of that!

Audrey Wellness

Things That Are More Uncomfortable Than Wearing a Mask….

… wearing a bra.

… wearing pants.

… wearing high heels.

… attending a middle school band concert.

… sitting at Table 9 at your third cousin’s wedding reception.

… giving birth.

… stubbing your toe.

… throwing up.

… getting water up your nose.

… buying tampons in front of your dad.

… farting right before someone comes into the room.

… a Pap smear.

… the middle seat of an airplane.

… a pea under 20 mattresses when you’re a princess.

… watching a sex scene in a movie with your parents (or worse, in-laws!).

… texting the wrong person.

… texting the wrong person something ABOUT that person.

… scraping your knuckle on cement while drawing with chalk.

… walking in on someone using the restroom.

… Texas in August.

… trying to parallel park in front of other people and realizing it’s not going to work and having to give up and drive away while everyone watches.

… biting ice cream.

… when a chip stabs you in the roof of your mouth.

… wedgies.

Just trying to bring a little humor to something that’s truly life or death. Wear a mask, friends. It’s not forever, but it’s for the good of all. And trust me, there are things much more uncomfortable- namely death & losing a loved one.

Thank you for coming to my snarky tedxtalk.

Audrey Baby

How You Know It’s Time

First and foremost, this is all in good fun.

After talking with K (who happens to be my boss & husband), we decided that it’d be safe and good for me to start maternity leave the week of Thanksgiving- with or without baby being here. We’re not sure how long I can be gone from work*, so starting leave a little early is a gift to myself. We both work more than 40 hours per week and while the house is mostly ready for a baby, I’m happy to have the extra days to clean, prep some meals, and hopefully bank some sleep and dog cuddles before baby arrives.

I am well aware that this is a luxury. I’m grateful that I have a job and a husband and coworkers that allow me this little reprieve before active motherhood.

And now, without further ado, here’s how I know it’s time to go ahead kick start maternity leave:

When you can no longer control the volume at which you huff breathe.

When you truly consider bringing your desk work into the bathroom with you because you’re in there multiple times an hour and it’s just more efficient.

When you groan as you stand, bend over, walk, sit, breathe, think….

When co-workers walk by and stop to ask if you’re ok because you’re either a) doubled over or b) trying to get baby to retract her foot from your kidney.

When the snack pile on your desk is taller and more plentiful than any paperwork pile.

When you find yourself laying on the ground with your legs up the wall (stretching) by 10 am.

When you’re answering phone calls from family and friends to talk about effacement and dilation with an open door so all your male coworkers now know about the intimate details of your cervix.

When your back aches and your only relief is having your boss apply pressure. (This is best if your boss is your husband.)

When your coworkers’ wives and girlfriends are asking why the hell you’re still putting yourself through it at work.

When you consider bringing in a towel for your desk chair, just in case your water breaks and you have to clean it up because, again, you work with all dudes and can’t imagine one of them dealing with the situation.

Don’t get me wrong… I was doing some of these things long before I was pregnant, too.

So this week I’m off completely. And while I’m uncomfortable (no baby yet as I write this), I am grateful to be uncomfortable in my own home.

*Legally I know there are maternity leave rules. Since K owns and runs the business, our situation is different. I will have to work from home off and on throughout my m/l because a) it’s a small company and only I can do some of my jobs and b) I love my husband and I don’t want to pile all my jobs on him- I want him to have some leave, too. 

I hope everyone has a Happy Thanksgiving! No thanksgiving day post from me but if baby decides to make her arrival you can find it first on IG (once we announce it) 😉 Have a safe week/weekend!