Audrey Humor, Relationships

Chats With K

Hi! Welcome to another edition of chats with K (a.k.a. my husband).

While browsing bridesmaid dresses for my bff’s wedding.
Me: Ooh, I like this one but it’s a high-low and she said long.
K: What the hell is a “high-low”?
Me: Shorter in the front and longer in the back.
K: Oh, a mullet dress.

Me: We need to talk about something. *launches into a parenting theory and how it applies to what we’re doing with M and eventually lands on the conclusion that we’re doing things right and we probably don’t need to change*
K: … … … ok.
Me: I guess we didn’t really need to talk about anything. I could’ve kept that in my head.
K: Yeah… that’s very true.

Me: You’re chewing gum. You don’t usually chew gum.
K: I had an eye doctor appointment today and they were right in my face.
Me: But… you had a mask on…
K: Farts go through pants!

After walking up the stairs to put M down for a nap…
K: Have you started feeding her yet?
Me: No, why? Do you need something?
K: I need you to come here a minute….
I walk back down the stairs & K meets me there.
K: Ok, I’ll take her *scoops M from my arms* and you need to go kill the big black fuzzy thing on the window sill. You should take a shoe. Or a shotgun.

*It was a spider. K hates spiders.

After an extremely stressful day at work and 20 minutes of yelling for Bristol to stop attacking a bird in the backyard and then cleaning up the dead bird/wiping blood off the dog….
K: How are you not drinking wine yet…!?

I think I took a glass of wine to bed with me after that last conversation. LOL. Thank goodness M was asleep for most of that!

Audrey Wellness

Things That Are More Uncomfortable Than Wearing a Mask….

… wearing a bra.

… wearing pants.

… wearing high heels.

… attending a middle school band concert.

… sitting at Table 9 at your third cousin’s wedding reception.

… giving birth.

… stubbing your toe.

… throwing up.

… getting water up your nose.

… buying tampons in front of your dad.

… farting right before someone comes into the room.

… a Pap smear.

… the middle seat of an airplane.

… a pea under 20 mattresses when you’re a princess.

… watching a sex scene in a movie with your parents (or worse, in-laws!).

… texting the wrong person.

… texting the wrong person something ABOUT that person.

… scraping your knuckle on cement while drawing with chalk.

… walking in on someone using the restroom.

… Texas in August.

… trying to parallel park in front of other people and realizing it’s not going to work and having to give up and drive away while everyone watches.

… biting ice cream.

… when a chip stabs you in the roof of your mouth.

… wedgies.

Just trying to bring a little humor to something that’s truly life or death. Wear a mask, friends. It’s not forever, but it’s for the good of all. And trust me, there are things much more uncomfortable- namely death & losing a loved one.

Thank you for coming to my snarky tedxtalk.

Audrey Baby

How You Know It’s Time

First and foremost, this is all in good fun.

After talking with K (who happens to be my boss & husband), we decided that it’d be safe and good for me to start maternity leave the week of Thanksgiving- with or without baby being here. We’re not sure how long I can be gone from work*, so starting leave a little early is a gift to myself. We both work more than 40 hours per week and while the house is mostly ready for a baby, I’m happy to have the extra days to clean, prep some meals, and hopefully bank some sleep and dog cuddles before baby arrives.

I am well aware that this is a luxury. I’m grateful that I have a job and a husband and coworkers that allow me this little reprieve before active motherhood.

And now, without further ado, here’s how I know it’s time to go ahead kick start maternity leave:

When you can no longer control the volume at which you huff breathe.

When you truly consider bringing your desk work into the bathroom with you because you’re in there multiple times an hour and it’s just more efficient.

When you groan as you stand, bend over, walk, sit, breathe, think….

When co-workers walk by and stop to ask if you’re ok because you’re either a) doubled over or b) trying to get baby to retract her foot from your kidney.

When the snack pile on your desk is taller and more plentiful than any paperwork pile.

When you find yourself laying on the ground with your legs up the wall (stretching) by 10 am.

When you’re answering phone calls from family and friends to talk about effacement and dilation with an open door so all your male coworkers now know about the intimate details of your cervix.

When your back aches and your only relief is having your boss apply pressure. (This is best if your boss is your husband.)

When your coworkers’ wives and girlfriends are asking why the hell you’re still putting yourself through it at work.

When you consider bringing in a towel for your desk chair, just in case your water breaks and you have to clean it up because, again, you work with all dudes and can’t imagine one of them dealing with the situation.

Don’t get me wrong… I was doing some of these things long before I was pregnant, too.

So this week I’m off completely. And while I’m uncomfortable (no baby yet as I write this), I am grateful to be uncomfortable in my own home.

*Legally I know there are maternity leave rules. Since K owns and runs the business, our situation is different. I will have to work from home off and on throughout my m/l because a) it’s a small company and only I can do some of my jobs and b) I love my husband and I don’t want to pile all my jobs on him- I want him to have some leave, too. 

I hope everyone has a Happy Thanksgiving! No thanksgiving day post from me but if baby decides to make her arrival you can find it first on IG (once we announce it) 😉 Have a safe week/weekend!

Audrey Baby

Things I Miss

I know way back in the day pregnant women smoked and drank, ate whatever they wanted, and did all the things. Luckies…

Don’t get me wrong- I appreciate that research and science have found new ways to be responsible and healthy during pregnancy, but dammit I miss a lot of stuff right now.

Sleeping on my stomach.

Rollercoasters.

Cold cut turkey sandwiches.

Wine. And cocktails. A mimosa sounds like heaven.

14 espresso drinks a day or unlimited coffee. (I still drink a cup a day.)

CAESAR SALAD. Lord help me. I want one from Texas Roadhouse so badly.

Lifting things without someone going, “Should you be lifting that?” It’s very sweet, but hush.

People Strangers not trying to caress my abdomen when they walk by. I’ve been strict but I’m willing to lighten up with family now that there’s a bump and it’s not just fluffy fat.

People not looking between my stomach and my eyes when talking to me. Like, I see you looking! Just look if you’re going to look. Lol

Leaving the house and not using the bathroom every place I go.

Tucking my shirt into high waisted pants.

…high waisted pants in general.

Not groaning when I roll off the couch/bed.

Reaching my feet to tie my shoes/put on socks. I can still touch my toes, but the whole getting dressed process is harder.

Not feeling full all. the. damn. time. I think my stomach now lives inside my kidneys underneath my lungs. And the kid beats up that cluster of organs often.

I know I’m complaining, but it’s all tongue in cheek. I’ve had some very nice moments:

A flight attended handed me my own liter of water when I boarded the plane and said, “Gotta stay hydrated. I remember those days!”

A bartender gave me free ice cream because I couldn’t have a cold beer with the other people in our group.

I’ve heard, “You look so good!” more times than I can count. And I don’t even care if they’re just being nice- it’s lovely to hear. We should say that to all women all the time.

People have randomly sent me her gifts and getting happy mail unexpectedly like that is the best thing ever.

Honestly, I’m just being a baby. Yes the heartburn is rough and it’s getting harder to move around, but it’s all good.

(Seriously, though. I will have a turkey sandwich waiting for me at the end of labor & delivery. It’s one of K’s assigned duties as DAD.)

Audrey Humor, Relationships

Chats With K

We had some of these conversations months ago but it was before baby was public news 😉

K: That’s a good hospital but it’s kind of far away for taking care of the dogs.
Me: We’ll work that out before hand and have a sitter on call.
K: But for me to go home at night.
Me: …Ha. No. You’re at the hospital with me. You sleep on the couch or chair in the room.
K: WHAT? What if my back hurt?
Me: Your chiropractor is in the area. It’ll be perfect.
K *grumbles*: But I won’t be allow to leave the prison to go.
Me: The next 18 years are a prison, baby. 

A few months later he tried this one…

K: What hotels are close to the hospital?
Me: Why does that matter?
K: So I have some place to sleep.
Me: You do- in the room on the couch.
K: Maybe you could let me sleep in your bed.
Me: Keep this up and you won’t even be around 💀

Me: So are we gonna go maternity pictures or newborn-
K: I can’t focus on that right now.
Me: What? Why?
K: because I’m about to Night Rider right over this truck. 

Me: No you’re not. 

Me: I’m so nervous.
K: You don’t have any control over it.
Me: You need to practice your empathy.
K: *says nicely* You don’t have any control over it.
Me: Saying it nicer isn’t empathy. 

Me: I even scrubbed the stove today!
K: Look at you! You Maria Canoodle-d that stove!
Me: …what?
K: Those cooked-on stains and charred foods didn’t bring you joy and you got rid of them.
Me: Wow. Marie Kondo and that’s not exactly how it works.

If our kid gets his wit and humor I will never run out of conversations to share. Lol