Chats with K

Just your average round up of conversations I had with the husband…

Me: Maybe these melatonin pills put you to sleep because when we take them I have to keep quiet for 30 seconds while they dissolve under my tongue.
K: Yep, I was just thinking that.

Discussing lunch in the middle of my alcohol & dairy detox.
Me: Let’s get Chinese.
K: We just had Chinese food.
Me: It’s my only option! Italian is creamy and cheesy. Mexican is creamy and cheesy. American food is creamy, cheesy, AND greasy.
K: Those are my favorite dwarfs!

Me: Do you ever feel like your lungs are restricted and you can’t take a big deep breath?
K: Yeah.
Me: I think it’s because I slouch.
K: I think it’s because I’m fat.

On National Puppy Day I posted a few adoptable dogs to K’s FB wall after he told me not to.
*phone rings; it’s K*
Me: DON’T YELL AT ME, DON’T YELL AT ME.
K: ….I haven’t been on Facebook yet but what did you do?

K: I don’t know why I haven’t fired you yet.
Me: Because it’d be awfully expensive.
K: How do you figure?
Me: “Cheaper to keep her.”
K: I didn’t say I’d divorce you.
Me: That makes one of us.

Upon entering Gettysburg…
K: Is this like a National….
Me: Park? Yes.
K: So should I not have a knife in my pocket.
Me: That is correct.
K hangs head and walks back to the car. We’ve seen this play out badly way too many times.

Me: I am the first person to get angry and outraged over silly jokes and trivial things-
K: Yeah. Good job.
Me: …that wasn’t the end of my thought.
K: Oh.

I collected some gems this month, I think. Lol

The Bridesmaid Diaries

I’m not sure how things work with the men, but the ladies’ side of a wedding party can get nuts. (I’m pretty sure most men smuggle in flasks, make jokes about it “not being too late to run…”, and bitch about uncomfortable rental shoes.) If you’ve ever been in a bridal party maybe you’ve experience these types of women:

The takes-herself-too-seriously maid/matron of honor. You can reach out and ask if she needs help, but Ashley has everything taken care of. She’s even stuck personalized labels on all 87 water bottles at the bridal shower. If you need anything you can get a hold of her with the number she printed on the bottom of the ‘day-of’ itinerary she passed out at the rehearsal dinner.

The I’m-over-it maid/matron of honor. Excited at first, but then fully consumed by med school. She let the bridesmaids plan the bridal shower, took the bride to a dive bar for the bachelorette party, and she forgot her shoes on the day of the wedding. You know she and the bride are never speaking again after the big day.

The I-should-be-the-maid-of-honor bridesmaid. After the maid of honor gives her speech, Victoria stands to give hers. At the shower she low-key takes charge and rolls her eyes at the streamers and balloon hung by the m.o.h. And dress shopping? She will literally claw your eyes out to sit between the bride and the bride’s mother.

The flower girl/ring bearer’s mom bridesmaid. Raising kids is tough work and she’s been a little absent from the pre-wedding festivities. (Hell, y’all didn’t bother inviting her to the bachelorette party.) Getting kids to behave and perform at a wedding after getting their hair done, missing their nap, and strapping them into an itchy dress is damn near impossible. Someone get this woman a medal and a dirty martini at the reception.

The shit-show bridesmaid. Sometimes she responds to the group chat, sometimes she doesn’t. The bride bought her bridesmaid dress just to ensure she’d have it in time for the wedding. Her phone is dead 75% of the time, she’s late for every get together, and you’re pretty sure she came to the bridesmaid brunch in pajamas. For whatever reason, the bride keeps her around.

The friend-since-elementary-school bridesmaid. Since she still lives in the same town as the bride, she’s available and present at every event. As long as she has time to schedule off from her nursing job at the hospital, Lanie can show up to any event and help with any last minute details. Plus the bride’s parents just love her.

The college-friend bridesmaid. With a million inside jokes fresh on her mind, she’s always throwing out a quip that makes the bride laugh and give her that, ‘I’m glad you’re here’ look. Unfortunately, the open bar and single groomsman at the reception are her #1 focus as the night progresses.

The new-friend-bridesmaid. Having only met a year ago through work, this hip chick and the bride have bonded over girls’ nights out, monthly book club, and Sunday coffee dates. Will the friendship will last forever? Who knows. The wedding pictures will, though.

The sister-of-the-groom bridesmaid. While you’re sure she loves (or will grow to love) the bride, we all know she’s working her tail off trying to keep her beloved brother happy and put together. She’ll ensure that the whole show runs smoothly and on-time for the sake of her parents’ friends (a.k.a. the wedding guests).

The girlfriend-of-the-bride’s-brother bridesmaid. Let’s be real, Kelsey doesn’t give a shit about the wedding, the bride, or the nuptials. She just wants to hit up the open bar at dinner. She’s only been with the bride’s brother for 7 months and you’re pretty sure they’re on a break right now anyway, but it was too late to kick her out.


*Please pick up on the satire here. While I’m sure I’ve described some bridesmaids to a T, I’ve stood next wonderful people in weddings and don’t condone categorizing people into such general boxes 😉 I’m also a strong girls support girls advocate so, ya know, this is all in fun.

But also… one of these sounds familiar, right? Maybe you even identify as one. Haha. I know I do…

Chats with K – Holiday Edition

Ho hum… Time for a *somewhat* holiday edition of husband conversations.

Me: Why were single-word band names so popular in the 80s?
K: I don’t know. They just were.
Me: Boston, Kansas, Styx, Journey, Rush, Wham-
K: No. Do not include Wham with that group of artists.

Mid-November I was listening to loud Christmas music & baking in the kitchen.
Romantically wrapping his arms around me and nuzzling his chin in my neck, Kyle whispers: Hey, I’m gonna go ahead and turn this shit off.

A female colleague was stopping by later in the day.
Me: Your new girlfriend is stopping in later.
K: I don’t have a new girlfriend. Two of you is enough to deal with.
Me: Excuse me?

Me: Maybe we should get your niece and nephews stuffed animals for Christmas.
Kyle: No, Isaac still has mine.
Me: Teddy Rump-skin?
K: …first of all it’s ‘Teddy Ruxpin.’ Secondly, no it was A.G. Bear.
After kissing Kyle good morning…

K: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: …yes. Why?
K: *sniffs my lips* You smell a little like old person.
Me: Umm…
K: Did you eat an old person for breakfast?

I laid out my cabin trip outfit the night before I left:

 

 

K: Did you even pack any clothes?
Me: …yeah? Why?
K: I feel like all you need to legitimately camp is that outfit you’re wearing tomorrow.

 

 

Such a comedian.

Ramblings of Sorts

I don’t have anything worthwhile to say today. (How’s that for a lead-in?)

So here are some random thoughts.

For those in Texas, human and critter, know that my heart and prayers and donations are with you ❤︎
I can’t explain how proud and hopeful I feel when I see the stories of people taking their boats & large trucks into affected areas and helping people out of buildings. That is what makes humanity wonderful and keeps our country united and strong.

In a different breath, I think this president is growing increasingly dangerous. His small steps to reverse policy and pardon dirt bags and alter law enforcement/military power is extremely alarming. Don’t let these things go unnoticed. Be aware of what your government is doing before it’s no longer your government…
I believe both sides of the aisle should be fired up.

And now some lighter things to get us through the rest of the week…

This popped up on my FB yesterday:

Sorry, but there’s no way to decrease your chance of death/dying. It’s 100% guaranteed.


Oll's

In honor of yesterday being 8 years since I moved into my first dorm at college. Woof.


I’ve seen this before and for some reason it sends me into a fit of giggles.

(The original post had a dated and offensive term so I edited it. Ha.)



A Tuesday Reminder: In an effort to protect our brains in this crazy world, if you’re like me and you still have a Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, etc. that you scroll through multiple times a day then I suggest taking time to really go through and unfollow/unlike/unfriend the folks or accounts that bring you down or upset you. If it’s differing or hurtful opinions or a perfect manicured life or gorgeous vacations once a month or whatever… unfollow them because you don’t owe anyone a follow or Facebook friendship. If it’s affecting your mood then take some action.  It’ll make you feel better to be free of weird social media obligations, lol.

Alright. This was a weird post. Happy Tuesday ❤︎