Chats with K

Just your average round up of conversations I had with the husband…

Me: Maybe these melatonin pills put you to sleep because when we take them I have to keep quiet for 30 seconds while they dissolve under my tongue.
K: Yep, I was just thinking that.

Discussing lunch in the middle of my alcohol & dairy detox.
Me: Let’s get Chinese.
K: We just had Chinese food.
Me: It’s my only option! Italian is creamy and cheesy. Mexican is creamy and cheesy. American food is creamy, cheesy, AND greasy.
K: Those are my favorite dwarfs!

Me: Do you ever feel like your lungs are restricted and you can’t take a big deep breath?
K: Yeah.
Me: I think it’s because I slouch.
K: I think it’s because I’m fat.

On National Puppy Day I posted a few adoptable dogs to K’s FB wall after he told me not to.
*phone rings; it’s K*
Me: DON’T YELL AT ME, DON’T YELL AT ME.
K: ….I haven’t been on Facebook yet but what did you do?

K: I don’t know why I haven’t fired you yet.
Me: Because it’d be awfully expensive.
K: How do you figure?
Me: “Cheaper to keep her.”
K: I didn’t say I’d divorce you.
Me: That makes one of us.

Upon entering Gettysburg…
K: Is this like a National….
Me: Park? Yes.
K: So should I not have a knife in my pocket.
Me: That is correct.
K hangs head and walks back to the car. We’ve seen this play out badly way too many times.

Me: I am the first person to get angry and outraged over silly jokes and trivial things-
K: Yeah. Good job.
Me: …that wasn’t the end of my thought.
K: Oh.

I collected some gems this month, I think. Lol

Crows Feet

Tomorrow is our five year wedding anniversary. Last Monday, the 16th, marked 11 years since Kyle asked me out for ice cream for the very first time. I don’t know when I knew that Kyle was going to be mine forever, but it was some time between 2007 and 2013.

Within the last year I’ve noticed crows feet forming at the corner of K’s pretty green eyes. It’s also no secret that I have large patches of grey hair underneath this dye job. Aging can be scary or overwhelming or depressing but, personally, I love those familiar crows feet.

We started dating right after my 17th birthday. I knew then that it wasn’t just a fling; I wanted to grow old with Kyle. It amuses me that I’m seeing it happen before my very eyes. I love it. We’ve gone from sharing our favorite colors and picking what movies to see on the weekends to what house we should to buy and which life ins. policy we should pick. Kyle’s crows feet are a tangible sign that we’re aging together. It’s my new favorite feature on his face. (I like his nose, too. It’s perfect.)

We’re together all the time- I mean, we work together. Obviously we argue sometimes so please don’t paint too perfect of a picture of us 😉 That said, his goofy 31-year-old grin makes me so damn happy. I love it when I make him laugh. And when I see other couples I truly hope that they find the same happiness with their significant other. I feel lucky to share my life with Kyle.

So happy anniversary, babe. (You’re so smart, babe.) I hope to see your crows feet get deeper and my grey patches grow bigger. As long as I’m aging next to you I’ll never dread it.

If one gray hair shows, I’ll be fine / If my waistline grows, I’ll be fine / Even if time takes its toll / We’ll stay young for the rest of our lives…

The Rest of Our Life, Tim McGraw & Faith Hill

Chats with K – Holiday Edition

Ho hum… Time for a *somewhat* holiday edition of husband conversations.

Me: Why were single-word band names so popular in the 80s?
K: I don’t know. They just were.
Me: Boston, Kansas, Styx, Journey, Rush, Wham-
K: No. Do not include Wham with that group of artists.

Mid-November I was listening to loud Christmas music & baking in the kitchen.
Romantically wrapping his arms around me and nuzzling his chin in my neck, Kyle whispers: Hey, I’m gonna go ahead and turn this shit off.

A female colleague was stopping by later in the day.
Me: Your new girlfriend is stopping in later.
K: I don’t have a new girlfriend. Two of you is enough to deal with.
Me: Excuse me?

Me: Maybe we should get your niece and nephews stuffed animals for Christmas.
Kyle: No, Isaac still has mine.
Me: Teddy Rump-skin?
K: …first of all it’s ‘Teddy Ruxpin.’ Secondly, no it was A.G. Bear.
After kissing Kyle good morning…

K: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: …yes. Why?
K: *sniffs my lips* You smell a little like old person.
Me: Umm…
K: Did you eat an old person for breakfast?

I laid out my cabin trip outfit the night before I left:

 

 

K: Did you even pack any clothes?
Me: …yeah? Why?
K: I feel like all you need to legitimately camp is that outfit you’re wearing tomorrow.

 

 

Such a comedian.

10 Years Ago

10 years ago today I was not dating a boy because my parents weren’t totally on board with it. About 6 months prior I had approached them and asked to go out for ice cream with a young man who happened to be 3 years and 7 months older than me (which is a big deal when you’re 16). They’d said yes to ice cream, but no to having a boyfriend.

So 10 years ago today, I still didn’t have a boyfriend- but then October 21st happened. After half a year of going on afternoon dates, getting to know my parents, and proving his overall trustworthiness to both me and my parental units, my mom and dad gave in to the relationship. On October 21st, 2007 “Audrey and Kyle” became a thing.

I’ve written about our relationship a dozen times, but for me it never gets old.

I’ve now spent a decade hanging out with my favorite person.

Through brown hair, red hair, orange hair, near-black hair, and blonde hair, we’ve been a thing.

Through lost-and-found cats, adopted dogs, rescued kittens, and elderly pets, we’ve been a thing.

Through high school dances and college presentations, graduation ceremonies and musical performances, we’ve been a thing.

Through new jobs, resignation letters, lay offs, and exciting business ventures, we’ve been a thing.

Through open bedroom doors, shared college apartments, tiny first-home duplexes, and two houses, we’ve been a thing.

Through cross-country travel, out of town jobs, study abroad, and family vacations, we’ve been a thing.

Through new friendships, lost relationships, weddings, births, divorces, and deaths, we’ve been a strong and united thing.

Through the good and bad, sick and healthy days, heartbreak and triumph, we’ve been a thing.

I can’t imagine life without Kyle; I haven’t had to for the last 10 years. Every prayer I send up at the end of the day has a special sentence in there thanking God for the person I sleep next to each night. We’re not perfect and we squabble, but I’d like to reserve my spot next to that guy for the next forty decades.

Happy Original Anniversary, babe. Thanks for loving me ❤︎

-A

Chats with K on my B-day

(Did you notice my title rhymed?? All these chats didn’t happen today…)
In honor of my birthday (today!) I’m sharing a collection of conversations with my husband, otherwise known as ‘Chats with K.’ We’ve got some good ones today.

I needed a sound system setup for a wedding shower…
K: Do you want to use these speakers? I have two of them and a sub woofer in my office.
Me, walking into his office: What do they look like?
K: Um. One fell over right here. One fell on the floor under my desk. And the sub woofer is… uh.. I think it might be.. no…. I think it’s in this pile.
Me: Your office is quite the mysterious place, dear.

Still talking about speakers…
K: I’d like to get another Sonus or two for the new house but they’re expensive.
Me: I wish it was possible to read all the books in the world.
K: …I think we’re on two different strings of thought right now.

While walking down the NUT aisle at the grocery store…
K: Look at that big jar of nuts! I just want to stick my face in it!
Me: …you want to bury your face in those nuts?
K: I do.

I leaned in to give him a kiss for the first time that day…
K: Your breath smells like a trash panda.

K: You’re 26 going on 27. I’m going to need you to realize this and stop saying “ghosted” and “chill as f*ck.”
Me: I’m a millennial. I use millennial phrases. You’re a millennial, too.
K: No. I’m a baby boomer at heart.

In the same breath…
Me, while scrolling through thehomeedit: These pictures are giving me serious goals. I mean… not to sound like a millennial or anything.
K: Ha. Most millennials don’t have goals so I’d say you’re doing great.
(Here I reminded him, for the 14 millionth time, he’s a millennial.)

Me: Do you know how I know I’m getting sick?
K: Because you’re blowing your nose constantly?
Me: …well, I guess. But also because I’m so hungry.
K: Oh. Well of course.

K: It sucks that my appointment doesn’t start at the same time as yours.
Me: Yeah.
K: I’m just going to be sitting around, biting my tongue.
Me: …bidding your time?
K: No, biting my tongue. I just bite it. Damn it. That’s a day-ruiner.

Me: Did you hear Hugh Hefner died?
K: Yeah. He’s probably the only person that people don’t say, “Well he’s in a better place now” about.


When I turned 25 I flipped my lid but 27 doesn’t seem bad at all. Last weekend we spent our time celebrating our friends at their wedding and next weekend we’ll be burning calories moving all the remaining stuff into the new house. This birthday is truly sandwiched by incredible events and the most wonderful people. I feel very fortunate and happy today 🙂

Chats with K

Before we dive into our conversations… today is my parents’ 30th wedding anniversary! ❤︎ So I want to devote a paragraph or two to them real quick…

My parents are wonderful odd balls. (My brother and I got it honest.) My teenage years gave them (esp. my mom) a run for their money sanity, but as an adult I spend so much time with them. Mom and I still bicker sometimes & Dad and I shout over politics, but through the years I’ve learned so much about marriage and life from them. Honesty, forgiveness, understanding, and humor are the key ingredients to a happy relationship.

Bonnie & Clyde trying to steal the getaway-car thunder four years ago at our wedding…

So Happy THIRTIETH Anniversary to the animal-loving, garden-growing, child-raising, country-living parents that I’ve grown up loving and admiring. Fred and I are better people and better spouses because of you two. Thanks for everything! ❤︎

And now… a collection of random, weird conversations with the husband… 🙂

Me: You know… when I’m calm, I imagine these smooth-yet-wavy purple lines running through my body, carrying my calm energy to every limb. But right now I’m filled with these spiky hot pink and orange wiry balls just pulsing all throughout my insides because I’m so freakin’ anxious about all the things we have going on!
K: …your head is one f*cked up place to be, isn’t it?

In preparation for my garage sale…
Me: I’m pretty much done collecting stuff, but I wanted to ask if you had any shoes you wanted to get rid of.
K: No.
Me: …what about the ones in your office that you said you didn’t want.
*K glares at me.*
Me: So what you mean is ‘Yes, but I don’t want to take the time to look and weed them out.’

We’d been waiting almost two weeks for an important call…
K: Alright, Miss Cleo. You think they’re going to call today? What’re they going to say?
Me: Oh, Kyle. I don’t have that kind of foresight. I can’t predict when or how you’ll die, but I can predict that you’ll die.
K: Not me. I’ve hidden horcruxes everywhere. You’ll never get rid of me.
Me: …I so appreciate that reference, honey. But also I know two of them are the corvette and Lylee.

K was letting the dogs out and called me to the back patio.
K: This is either the biggest maggot I’ve ever seen or it’s the fattest, shortest worm.
Me: That’s a slug, dear.

Chats with K and more…

First order of business: Happy Birthday, Mom!
Secondly: K is my husband.

My mom called me but the call dropped almost immediately. Then she called back.
Me: Hello again.
Mom: Where ARE you??!
Me: Mom… you’re the one who dropped the call.
Mom: I know. I just wondered where you are.

. . .

While watching the Super Bowl in overtime.
Me: What the heck. Falcons had this. I don’t like Tom Brady. He’s a poophead.
K: A poophead, eh? That’s harsh.

. . .

Me: Self-pity doesn’t look good on you.
K: Everything looks good on me. Except sweaters.

. . .

K’s grandparents dropped off some candy at the office for us.
K: Do you have any Valentine’s Day candy left?
Me: …yes. What are you in the market for?
K: I’ll trade you these Skittles for something.
Me: You know I don’t eat Skittles.
*K gets up and starts to walk over.*
Me: Hey! Sit back down. You don’t get to raid my inventory.

. . .

Me: Alright, we’ve got to figure out lunch because I’m dying.
K: I’m not hungry yet.
Me: Fine. I’ll just get myself food. Maybe a bento box from Katana.
K: Get me a Hollywood roll.
Me: At this rate why don’t we just go eat there?!
K: I’m still full from my McDonald’s.
Me: AND THE TRUTH COMES OUT. No wonder you’re not hungry. You’ve been holding out on me.

. . .

Me: What would you do if I died?
K: Right now?
Me: Yes.
K: Probably drive you to a hospital.
Me: ….okay. I mean long term.
K: Oh. I don’t know.

. . .

We were sitting with a financial advisor discussing IRAs and K’s overall worth due to the business. The advisor stepped out of the office to get something and left us alone.
K (quietly): I’m worth more to you alive than dead.
Me: That’s true. For now…

. . .

I made a cleaning list to keep myself accountable. But then K saw it and decided to initial next to the chores he had completed.

And to be clear, by initialing next to “Load/Unload Dish Washer” he literally put his dinner plate in the rack. That’s it.

. . .

I’m glad we get each other’s somewhat dark humor. Ha.