The American Reality

I know I rarely post on a Friday. I originally had a live post in the works for yesterday but it was extremely depressing and negative. (Originally this was titled The American Nightmare…)

I bounce between feeling hopeless and feeling determined. Yesterday I completely lost my cool. Even when I have my cool, I can feel how precarious it is. I’m teetering on the edge and I feel it.

We’ve had to make some big decisions for our business & it hurts- physically, mentally, financially. This freaking sucks. But we’re going to keep our heads above water & help those around us do the same.

So yeah… I’m honestly filled with more sadness, anger, frustration, and fear than anything else. But we are fighters and as long as there is a little hope and a little will, we will most definitely find a damn way.

Faith over fear, prayer over worry.

Take a bath, read a book, go for a walk, call a friend, do an online exercise class, pray, watch a virtual church service, play with your kids or pets, listen to a podcast, go on a virtual museum tour, listen to music, take an online course, watch the new movies on Disney+, write in a journal, or sit in silence & meditate.

I have a constant headache from clenching my jaw. First things first, I need to quit doing that.

Can I pray for you? Can I send you some good vibes? Can we just chat? This isolation is lonely, even for an introvert.

Faith & Church & Fellowship

I rarely blog about religion, but it’s been very heavy on my heart lately. I attend a church that is hurting & I feel like I have done everything I can to help heal, but the resistance in my church is very strong and I feel nothing but anger and distance when I walk through the doors on Sunday mornings.

I’ve prayed many time about my predicament- by feeling so distant from my church I know I am suffering in my relationship with God. Monday night, after our monthly church council meeting, I sat in my car and prayed about the conflict in my heart. Afterward I felt the need to ask Siri (on my iPhone) for a random Bible verse. This is what a got:

“And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, “This is the way, walk in it,” when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left.” Isaiah 30:21

Well dang. Sometimes God is a subtle man and sometimes He’s not. I’d say He was fairly straight forward with me Monday night.

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To be less vague, our church is comprised of very few millennial. Actually, there’s only a handful of folks under the age of 60. Some people see this as a problem and some do not. To attract a younger crowd there needs to be some change and, again, some people see this as a problem and some people do not.

The real problems lies within my own heart. I grew up in this church… but I am one of two left from my “generation.” I don’t feel fellowship, I don’t feel closer to God, I don’t feel anything. Sundays were once my favorite day but now they’re a bummer.

Over the last 5 years there has been a mass exodus from our church, so leaving wouldn’t be unheard of… but for a long time it was unthinkable for me. (Our family is deeply rooted in my church.) Now I just don’t know.

I’d like to blame someone, but there’s no one to blame. My anger has no target and that makes me even more frustrated. I know that K gets nothing from our church services and we’ve discussed the lack of child/youth opportunities that will one day strongly effect us.

“I appeal to you, brothers and sisters, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another in what you say and that there be no divisions among you, but that you be perfectly united in mind and thought.” 1 Corinthians 1:10

I feel like I’m not united in mind and thought with anyone right now. I’m craving fellowship and growth and just not finding it. Obviously I will continue to pray about it, but beyond that I am stuck. I’m not looking for resolution with this post; I just needed an outlet.

We all struggle with ourselves and our faith and our community- this is just a struggle that God will led me through. I have faith.

-Louise

This post is a part of The Peony Project’s monthly link-up. We would love to have you join! The Peony Project is a community for women who love Jesus, love blogging, and are looking for a common space to share ideas, encourage one another, and make real, honest friendships with one another.

Grateful Heart: link-up

I have been waiting for this link up since Friday. Sometimes I let my heart get dark and jagged, and when I finally realize what’s happened it’s too late- I’ve already pricked someone.

Yesterday we celebrated Jesus’ resurrection. He died for our sins. My sins. Sins like my prickly heart. And for that I am so grateful.

I am also trying to change. Laugh more, get angry less. Forgive more, envy less.

Forgive

This weekend I have been especially grateful for:

– my brother, who has the most forgiving heart

– my mother-in-law, who always tries to make things a little easier for my husband and me

– my husband, who accepts me on my good days and bad days

– my dogs, who shower me with endless love and adoration

– my God, who is forgiving and merciful and listens to my prayers and pleas

Starting this week with a clean and happy heart, and praying to end the week the same way 🙂

-Louise

Grateful Heart w/ Ember Grey