Softball Pro Tips From an Amateur

A few posts ago I made mention of a co-ed softball team that I was asked to join this summer.

Not to brag, but as a last round draft pick (a.k.a. after the team was formed and after they exhausted their substitutes for a few weeks they brought me on full time), I bring a lot of knowledge to the sports table. Buckle up because I’m about to learn you some pro softball tips.

First and foremost: my credentials. I played eight years total of T-ball, baseball, and softball. Assigned to the outfield for optimal clover picking in my early years, my last few seasons spent on the field were at first and catcher. Unlike those pansies who see their careers end with devastating injuries, I honorably retired from softball just before high school because I was afraid of the fast pitching. No shame in my game, friends.

Now, on to the life changing softball advice I have to offer all you newbs.

Wear a hat. And sunscreen. As someone who mostly avoids going outside when the temperature exceeds 80 degrees, I must urge you to protect yourself. I would advise eyewear as well, except I’ve left two different sunglasses at the ball park two different time, never to be seen again. I can’t be trusted with more than a hat. But maybe you can.

When batting, don’t chuck your bat haphazardly. The catcher doesn’t appreciate that… I might’ve heard one squeal the last time I awkward flung my bat and took off for first……..

Hit the ball far. Hitting is not my strong suit. I used to think my strong suit was fielding but then I missed two pop-ups in the same game so I think my strong suit might be warming the bench. Or cheering on others. I got off topic in this paragraph.

Hit the ball far, part 2. Listen… I am out of breath every single game because unlike the rest of my team who all power that softball into the grass, giving themselves plenty of time to run, I barely chip it and send it right to the pitcher. Thus, I’m running balls out (pun intended) to first to try and make it safely. I am successful 50% of the time. Don’t take this as a weakness, though. It’s called strategy. GEEZ.

Use a glove that is less than two decades old. I won’t lie, I’m not 100% sure where my glove came from. I know when I first started playing ball I had a black glove and then I got this tan one- but I don’t think we bought it. I think it might’ve been passed down from a relative. All that to say, the former owner got the benefit of padding and structure. My glove is a very, very limp piece of leather. And I think it’s actually a baseball glove. (They tell me there’s a difference.)

Learn the positions. We all know first base and third base, but do you know which field is left and which field is right? Honestly, I don’t either. But I play in one of them. It’s the one behind first base and when a lefty steps up to the plate everyone on the field side-eyes me nervously.

Learn your place. Are you the all-star? The comic relief? The comedian? I like to think I’m the quiet one that keeps to myself and smiles awkwardly if an unfamiliar teammate sits too close to me. (I kid. That was my place but I know everyone now, lol.)

I think those are enough tips for a Tuesday. I don’t want to overwhelm you. Obviously feel free to reach out if you have any questions. Myself or one of my many agents will get back to you promptly. Email me at audreyhasn’tplayedsoftballin+15years@whydidisayyes.com*.

😜

**Not a real email.

The Bridesmaid Diaries

I’m not sure how things work with the men, but the ladies’ side of a wedding party can get nuts. (I’m pretty sure most men smuggle in flasks, make jokes about it “not being too late to run…”, and bitch about uncomfortable rental shoes.) If you’ve ever been in a bridal party maybe you’ve experience these types of women:

The takes-herself-too-seriously maid/matron of honor. You can reach out and ask if she needs help, but Ashley has everything taken care of. She’s even stuck personalized labels on all 87 water bottles at the bridal shower. If you need anything you can get a hold of her with the number she printed on the bottom of the ‘day-of’ itinerary she passed out at the rehearsal dinner.

The I’m-over-it maid/matron of honor. Excited at first, but then fully consumed by med school. She let the bridesmaids plan the bridal shower, took the bride to a dive bar for the bachelorette party, and she forgot her shoes on the day of the wedding. You know she and the bride are never speaking again after the big day.

The I-should-be-the-maid-of-honor bridesmaid. After the maid of honor gives her speech, Victoria stands to give hers. At the shower she low-key takes charge and rolls her eyes at the streamers and balloon hung by the m.o.h. And dress shopping? She will literally claw your eyes out to sit between the bride and the bride’s mother.

The flower girl/ring bearer’s mom bridesmaid. Raising kids is tough work and she’s been a little absent from the pre-wedding festivities. (Hell, y’all didn’t bother inviting her to the bachelorette party.) Getting kids to behave and perform at a wedding after getting their hair done, missing their nap, and strapping them into an itchy dress is damn near impossible. Someone get this woman a medal and a dirty martini at the reception.

The shit-show bridesmaid. Sometimes she responds to the group chat, sometimes she doesn’t. The bride bought her bridesmaid dress just to ensure she’d have it in time for the wedding. Her phone is dead 75% of the time, she’s late for every get together, and you’re pretty sure she came to the bridesmaid brunch in pajamas. For whatever reason, the bride keeps her around.

The friend-since-elementary-school bridesmaid. Since she still lives in the same town as the bride, she’s available and present at every event. As long as she has time to schedule off from her nursing job at the hospital, Lanie can show up to any event and help with any last minute details. Plus the bride’s parents just love her.

The college-friend bridesmaid. With a million inside jokes fresh on her mind, she’s always throwing out a quip that makes the bride laugh and give her that, ‘I’m glad you’re here’ look. Unfortunately, the open bar and single groomsman at the reception are her #1 focus as the night progresses.

The new-friend-bridesmaid. Having only met a year ago through work, this hip chick and the bride have bonded over girls’ nights out, monthly book club, and Sunday coffee dates. Will the friendship will last forever? Who knows. The wedding pictures will, though.

The sister-of-the-groom bridesmaid. While you’re sure she loves (or will grow to love) the bride, we all know she’s working her tail off trying to keep her beloved brother happy and put together. She’ll ensure that the whole show runs smoothly and on-time for the sake of her parents’ friends (a.k.a. the wedding guests).

The girlfriend-of-the-bride’s-brother bridesmaid. Let’s be real, Kelsey doesn’t give a shit about the wedding, the bride, or the nuptials. She just wants to hit up the open bar at dinner. She’s only been with the bride’s brother for 7 months and you’re pretty sure they’re on a break right now anyway, but it was too late to kick her out.


*Please pick up on the satire here. While I’m sure I’ve described some bridesmaids to a T, I’ve stood next wonderful people in weddings and don’t condone categorizing people into such general boxes 😉 I’m also a strong girls support girls advocate so, ya know, this is all in fun.

But also… one of these sounds familiar, right? Maybe you even identify as one. Haha. I know I do…