Chats With K

Hi! Welcome to another edition of chats with K (a.k.a. my husband).

While browsing bridesmaid dresses for my bff’s wedding.
Me: Ooh, I like this one but it’s a high-low and she said long.
K: What the hell is a “high-low”?
Me: Shorter in the front and longer in the back.
K: Oh, a mullet dress.


Me: We need to talk about something. *launches into a parenting theory and how it applies to what we’re doing with M and eventually lands on the conclusion that we’re doing things right and we probably don’t need to change*
K: … … … ok.
Me: I guess we didn’t really need to talk about anything. I could’ve kept that in my head.
K: Yeah… that’s very true.


Me: You’re chewing gum. You don’t usually chew gum.
K: I had an eye doctor appointment today and they were right in my face.
Me: But… you had a mask on…
K: Farts go through pants!


After walking up the stairs to put M down for a nap…
K: Have you started feeding her yet?
Me: No, why? Do you need something?
K: I need you to come here a minute….
I walk back down the stairs & K meets me there.
K: Ok, I’ll take her *scoops M from my arms* and you need to go kill the big black fuzzy thing on the window sill. You should take a shoe. Or a shotgun.

*It was a spider. K hates spiders.


After an extremely stressful day at work and 20 minutes of yelling for Bristol to stop attacking a bird in the backyard and then cleaning up the dead bird/wiping blood off the dog….
K: How are you not drinking wine yet…!?


I think I took a glass of wine to bed with me after that last conversation. LOL. Thank goodness M was asleep for most of that!

Coffee Date

Hello, friends.

I’m linking up with Kristen today (What’s New With You?) for a casual, relaxing coffee date.

If we were sipping our coffee (while sitting 6 feet apart still, of course)… I would admit that I love having two dogs that could not care less about storms. Lylee was a p s y c h o when it came to thunder and lightning. I used to love storms until she made me hate them. Now I love them again.

As we nibbled on scones it would remind me to tell you… M is starting baby-led weaning! She’s 6 months old today (hoooooow!?) and that means we can safely start on soft solids since she’s a) 6 months, b)interested in food and c) sitting up on her own. I am SO excited. We’ve already given her a few things and she loves it.

Like everyone else under lock down… I would share that I gave my closet a little revamp. I bought a few drawers for my socks (to free up the one in the dresser) and I purchased a shoe cubby. I LOVE how it looks in there now. We’re going to tackle K’s side next. And all the clothes we never wear.

As we were draining our mugs I would ask how you’re handling life lately… It seems like we’re existing in this Limbo between “normal” and quarantine life. Mix in the violence and protests… and I will openly admit that I’m not sleeping well. I feel stressed and out of control, then guilty because I KNOW I have more control and comfort in my life than many, especially many people of color right now.

I think it’s just a stressful time in our world. I hope you’re doing alright ♥

I Was Scared to Become a MOM

When I found out I was pregnant I had a major identity crisis. I feared becoming a single label: “mom.” It seemed like that mom life would be the only life I’d get to live.

I was so upset by that. I didn’t want to lose myself or sacrifice the person I was. I didn’t want to be so consumed with my daughter that I was no longer the wife / friend / employee / person I was before…

And that fear caused a problem. It took a while to enjoy my pregnancy. I wanted to be pregnant, but I didn’t know how to connect with what was happening. I adjust to new people and new experiences slowly. It felt weird and distant. M was born and the weirdness didn’t instantly go away- although it changed.

After sorting out my ppd and taking care of my health, I had the realization that M was mine. Everything she did and all her care was my job- I didn’t have to seek approval or validation for my actions from anyone (in tandem with K, of course). And that didn’t scare me at all- I started feeling more comfortable referring to her as my daughter.

Truthfully, I’ve only just starting thinking of myself as a mom. Maybe Mother’s Day helped a little? I resisted the all-consuming title for a long time… even though I was, by definition, A MOM. I admire other moms, I wanted to have a kid from the start, I look up to so many amazing mothers out there. It’s not the fear of being old or having that soccer-mom-mini van-driving,-lob haircut-vibe…….. it’s just the uncomfortableness of a new and limiting name.

When I announced I was pregnant the MOM CLUB showed up in full force and I felt like such a phony. People offered me clothes, toys, meals, advice, their kitchen sinks, etc. It felt weird… It felt fake to be accepted just because I was now “one of them.” I truthfully hated the idea of it… but secretly loved the support and help.

(I realize now that being a parent is tough and the so-called MOM CLUB is actually just women who have been there/done that/are still in trenches who want to help someone else that’s wandered into this war zone of untold horrors and blessings. Lol.)

A lovely blog friend shared with me that she felt very distant from her pregnancy, too, and only connected with her daughter once she was born. Another blog friend told me that the “instabond” moms have with their babies is sometimes a myth and for good reason. It makes SENSE that getting to know your baby and bonding would take time. They are a person after all- someone with their own wants and needs and likes and dislikes and personality and feelings. It’s a relationship that takes a little time.

M is five months old now and I love love love being her mom. Having a child didn’t make me love kids. I’ve never been a big kid person. But now that I’ve gotten to know my baby I am sure that I was meant to be her mother. No regrets, no hesitation, no second thoughts. I live for the day she calls me “mom.”

And life was unclear at first with a new human in the mix. Our days and priorities have changed accordingly… but I’ve found that deep down, I haven’t. I might be a little more distracted and usually covered in spit up, but I have a good relationship with my husband, I try to support and love my friends as much as I always have, and I still enjoy and excel at my job- although I work less days and sometimes long to be home with M when I’m in my office. I read a little less but I’m still a reader. I blog a little less but I’m still a blogger. I’m still a type-a perfectionist but things are a little more lax around here. I’m still me. I’m just a mom, too. And I think I had to go through that stage of insecurity to fully and gratefully accept this role.

This feels like a raw confession of sorts. I’ve never not loved M… I just didn’t know how to serve her and stay true to me. And I feel happy that we’ve figured this out a.k.a. I’ve realized the joy and fulfillment I have in being HER mom.

It’s tough to struggle with your identity. Whether it’s a job or a hobby or a label… it’s weird and uncomfortable to be sorted into a category by default. I feel lucky that I’ve ended up enjoying this new role. I’m embarrassed by how much I doubted myself, but thankful for those who built me up and helped me transition into motherhood. I don’t take the people in my corner for granted and I will teach M how important “our people” are- not least of all her incredible dad.

If you’re struggling with something big, reach out for help. Someone to talk to, an outlet to share your frustrations, prescribed medication to stabilize your mental health. It’s important. Your quality of life matters- don’t dismiss it when something feels wrong. ♥

Currently…

Happy Birthday to my baby brother (tomorrow)!

Linking up with Kristen for What’s New With You?.

Here’s what I’ve been up to…

Reading… The Great Train Robbery (Crichton), A Heart So Fierce and Broken (Kemmerer), & A Dangerous Engagement (Weaver)

Watching… The Voice is a staple in our house. Although it’s weird watching live performances in the contestants’ living rooms. I’ve also been watching a lot of Mickey & the Roadsters, Mina Royal Detective, & Puppy Dog Pals. LOL

Listening to… my country playlists. They always get me jazzed up for summer.

Eating… lots of home cooked meals from K! He’s taken an interest in cooking and he has made some incredibly delicious dinners!

Drinking… lots of coffee. And I’ve been having an afternoon San Pellegrino. We have Blood Orange and Lemon. Aubrey got me hooked on these while we were visiting her in Tampa!

Wondering… what the country will look like in a month. Or two. Or six. It will be a different world, I think.

Praying… for family members that are battling health issues & trying to stay safe from this virus, blog friends who are going through rough times, and also patience, wisdom, & strength when it comes to raising M.

Planning… not much. Haha. Hopefully a trip to Dallas in September for a wedding reception, a trip to Florida to see Aubrey & Meg, and an October trip to celebrate my 30th.

Protecting… Enzo from Bristol the Pistol. She has so much energy since we’re stuck at home. She is always in the mood the wrestle. He is NOT. Lol

Playing… Animal Crossing: New Horizons on my Switch! (Does anyone else play??) Also playing online boardgames with my mom and brother nightly.

Looking forward to… leaving the house 😉 Trips to Target, meals in restaurants, coffee dates with friends, playdates at the park, family dinners… Some day, some day.


What’s currently going on in your life?

The Good, The Good, & The Good

How’s everyone doing? It’s been a long month. Or year. Or decade? The Roaring Twenties are nuts. Or I’m nuts. Or the world is nuts. I can’t keep track.

We’re doing ok but sometimes I feel like God had the wild idea to really TOSS me into motherhood. “OH, you’re nervous and introverted and unsure about sharing your life with a needy and helpless human for the rest of your days? LET’S KICK THIS OFF WITH SOME MANDATED QUARANTINE. Enjoy motherhood!”

I’m kidding. I am exhausted, covered in slobber (M’s & Bristol’s), and drained by the end of the day but I feel fortunate to have comfort and safety, as well as time to spend with M (& K & the pups). I’m not missing her big milestones and I think that’s incredible. I also know that people are risking their lives to help others. And some people have lost their life or their loved ones… so I am aware that this whole thing is not God testing me with trial-by-fire motherhood.

Alrighty. Enough bitching. I’m going to share some good things with you and then you’re going to do the same (in the comments)!

My best friend just asked me to be in her wedding!! I am SO excited. It’s next May so we have plenty of time to match our masks to our dresses. (JK PLEASE let this be over by then.) I can’t wait to shop with her and help her prep and plan the pre-wedding festivities. Oh yeah… I’m not just IN the wedding- I’m her matron of honor! I am so excited!!

Maddie can now roll over both ways with no hesitation. She’s now trying very very hard to crawl… GULP. She’s mostly just lays on her stomach, straightens her arms, or yells really loudly and kicks her legs. She hasn’t figured out that she needs to do all that at the same time… thankfully. She’ll be 5 months on May 4th. She needs to cool it.

Bristol and I went hiking at a local waterfall this past weekend. If you’ve watched my IG stories you might know that B-town is a total nut job. Well, turns out she’s a GREAT hiking buddy. She was easy to guide and she stayed with me (on a leash, obviously). She climbed rocks and jumped logs and splashed through the creek bed. She also didn’t bother the other hikers on the trail- didn’t even show interest in them. A+ for social distancing.

We took our 7 year anniversary pictures ON our anniversary! I don’t know if that’s ever happened. We had nothing better to do and it was a pretty day so we checked it off the list.


That about wraps it up for now. I’m forcing rainbow and sunshine today because it’s tough to wade through the crap sometimes. We have multiple loved ones out of a job, family members that have been hospitalized (fortunately NOT with covid-19), and tough business decisions. But there’s a lot of good out there, too.

Speak of… I’m just throwing around the idea of this, but would anyone be interested in a Pass the Good Stuff train? Essentially a small gift/goodies chain… I’d assign you someone to send a little happiness to. It could be a gift card for coffee, flowers, a new book… anything you want to send! (And someone would send you a special something, too.) Any takers?

Ok. Enough blabbering. Tell me about the good things in your life!