Chats With K

Hi! Welcome to another edition of chats with K (a.k.a. my husband).

While browsing bridesmaid dresses for my bff’s wedding.
Me: Ooh, I like this one but it’s a high-low and she said long.
K: What the hell is a “high-low”?
Me: Shorter in the front and longer in the back.
K: Oh, a mullet dress.


Me: We need to talk about something. *launches into a parenting theory and how it applies to what we’re doing with M and eventually lands on the conclusion that we’re doing things right and we probably don’t need to change*
K: … … … ok.
Me: I guess we didn’t really need to talk about anything. I could’ve kept that in my head.
K: Yeah… that’s very true.


Me: You’re chewing gum. You don’t usually chew gum.
K: I had an eye doctor appointment today and they were right in my face.
Me: But… you had a mask on…
K: Farts go through pants!


After walking up the stairs to put M down for a nap…
K: Have you started feeding her yet?
Me: No, why? Do you need something?
K: I need you to come here a minute….
I walk back down the stairs & K meets me there.
K: Ok, I’ll take her *scoops M from my arms* and you need to go kill the big black fuzzy thing on the window sill. You should take a shoe. Or a shotgun.

*It was a spider. K hates spiders.


After an extremely stressful day at work and 20 minutes of yelling for Bristol to stop attacking a bird in the backyard and then cleaning up the dead bird/wiping blood off the dog….
K: How are you not drinking wine yet…!?


I think I took a glass of wine to bed with me after that last conversation. LOL. Thank goodness M was asleep for most of that!

Chats With K

We had some of these conversations months ago but it was before baby was public news 😉

K: That’s a good hospital but it’s kind of far away for taking care of the dogs.
Me: We’ll work that out before hand and have a sitter on call.
K: But for me to go home at night.
Me: …Ha. No. You’re at the hospital with me. You sleep on the couch or chair in the room.
K: WHAT? What if my back hurt?
Me: Your chiropractor is in the area. It’ll be perfect.
K *grumbles*: But I won’t be allow to leave the prison to go.
Me: The next 18 years are a prison, baby. 

A few months later he tried this one…

K: What hotels are close to the hospital?
Me: Why does that matter?
K: So I have some place to sleep.
Me: You do- in the room on the couch.
K: Maybe you could let me sleep in your bed.
Me: Keep this up and you won’t even be around 💀


Me: So are we gonna go maternity pictures or newborn-
K: I can’t focus on that right now.
Me: What? Why?
K: because I’m about to Night Rider right over this truck. 

Me: No you’re not. 


Me: I’m so nervous.
K: You don’t have any control over it.
Me: You need to practice your empathy.
K: *says nicely* You don’t have any control over it.
Me: Saying it nicer isn’t empathy. 


Me: I even scrubbed the stove today!
K: Look at you! You Maria Canoodle-d that stove!
Me: …what?
K: Those cooked-on stains and charred foods didn’t bring you joy and you got rid of them.
Me: Wow. Marie Kondo and that’s not exactly how it works.

If our kid gets his wit and humor I will never run out of conversations to share. Lol

IMUO vol. 2

Waaay back in September 2016 I wrote a post about my unpopular opinions. I stand by everything I wrote except I now occasionally use “live your best life” jokingly and I watch basketball (the Cavs) with my husband. Anyway, I’m back again with more.

I don’t like The Avengers.
It’s not that I don’t like them as much as I just don’t have time to watch it all. I love Guardians of the Galaxy and X-Men, but I’ve only seen Iron Man and Captain America as far as “avengers” go. After this last movie am I going to be totally lost when the next X-Men or GotG movie comes out?! Why do we have to combine them all?? It just seems like a lot to keep on top of…

I hate the term “Girl Boss.”
I’m totally ok with making things more feminine if that’s your style (pink jerseys, lace on tool belts, etc.). It’s not my style, but all kinds of kinds, right? However, if you’re a female in a management role or a female business owner then you’re just a BOSS. It’s not a man’s phrase because it’s not a man’s world. It’s your world and you’re running it. Be a BOSS.
(Turns out Nadine mentioned hating this phrase in the comments of my last IMUO post!)

I don’t understand the Cardi B craze.
This might not be unpopular. She may not be a hit with people over the age of 25. I don’t know. Either way, I can’t get into her. I’m not a big rap fan anyway so I think this is pretty normal for me. She just seems like the next big thing and I’m a little clueless and uninterested.

I love Instagram Stories.
Man… I waste SO much time with IG stories. I love seeing pictures or watching people talk about their day or an experience. I don’t mind boomerangs or food pics or videos. Two things I don’t like: videos of concerts and videos of super loud noises. Other than that, I’m entertained for hours by these clips.

I live for rainy days.
You know how some people wait and wait for the sun to come out and make comments like, “What’s that thing?” whenever it finally does? That’s how I feel about rain and overcast days. There’s just something extra cozy about a dreary day. In the same breath…

I STILL hate summer.
I know we’ve been waiting 17 years for the snow to stop and the sun to show herself, but I’m over it now. I opened my windows for a hot second and I shed my coat for a few days. I’m ready for the leaves to change & the temperature to drop. Sorry not sorry, guys. I just looove fall & winter.

I’ll relent just a bit. There are parts of warm weather that I enjoy- evening walks with the dogs, driving with the windows down, ice cream shops being open… but after about a month of all that I’m ready for fall 😉

What are some of your unpopular opinions? I won’t judge you 😉

The Bridesmaid Diaries

I’m not sure how things work with the men, but the ladies’ side of a wedding party can get nuts. (I’m pretty sure most men smuggle in flasks, make jokes about it “not being too late to run…”, and bitch about uncomfortable rental shoes.) If you’ve ever been in a bridal party maybe you’ve experience these types of women:

The takes-herself-too-seriously maid/matron of honor. You can reach out and ask if she needs help, but Ashley has everything taken care of. She’s even stuck personalized labels on all 87 water bottles at the bridal shower. If you need anything you can get a hold of her with the number she printed on the bottom of the ‘day-of’ itinerary she passed out at the rehearsal dinner.

The I’m-over-it maid/matron of honor. Excited at first, but then fully consumed by med school. She let the bridesmaids plan the bridal shower, took the bride to a dive bar for the bachelorette party, and she forgot her shoes on the day of the wedding. You know she and the bride are never speaking again after the big day.

The I-should-be-the-maid-of-honor bridesmaid. After the maid of honor gives her speech, Victoria stands to give hers. At the shower she low-key takes charge and rolls her eyes at the streamers and balloon hung by the m.o.h. And dress shopping? She will literally claw your eyes out to sit between the bride and the bride’s mother.

The flower girl/ring bearer’s mom bridesmaid. Raising kids is tough work and she’s been a little absent from the pre-wedding festivities. (Hell, y’all didn’t bother inviting her to the bachelorette party.) Getting kids to behave and perform at a wedding after getting their hair done, missing their nap, and strapping them into an itchy dress is damn near impossible. Someone get this woman a medal and a dirty martini at the reception.

The shit-show bridesmaid. Sometimes she responds to the group chat, sometimes she doesn’t. The bride bought her bridesmaid dress just to ensure she’d have it in time for the wedding. Her phone is dead 75% of the time, she’s late for every get together, and you’re pretty sure she came to the bridesmaid brunch in pajamas. For whatever reason, the bride keeps her around.

The friend-since-elementary-school bridesmaid. Since she still lives in the same town as the bride, she’s available and present at every event. As long as she has time to schedule off from her nursing job at the hospital, Lanie can show up to any event and help with any last minute details. Plus the bride’s parents just love her.

The college-friend bridesmaid. With a million inside jokes fresh on her mind, she’s always throwing out a quip that makes the bride laugh and give her that, ‘I’m glad you’re here’ look. Unfortunately, the open bar and single groomsman at the reception are her #1 focus as the night progresses.

The new-friend-bridesmaid. Having only met a year ago through work, this hip chick and the bride have bonded over girls’ nights out, monthly book club, and Sunday coffee dates. Will the friendship will last forever? Who knows. The wedding pictures will, though.

The sister-of-the-groom bridesmaid. While you’re sure she loves (or will grow to love) the bride, we all know she’s working her tail off trying to keep her beloved brother happy and put together. She’ll ensure that the whole show runs smoothly and on-time for the sake of her parents’ friends (a.k.a. the wedding guests).

The girlfriend-of-the-bride’s-brother bridesmaid. Let’s be real, Kelsey doesn’t give a shit about the wedding, the bride, or the nuptials. She just wants to hit up the open bar at dinner. She’s only been with the bride’s brother for 7 months and you’re pretty sure they’re on a break right now anyway, but it was too late to kick her out.


*Please pick up on the satire here. While I’m sure I’ve described some bridesmaids to a T, I’ve stood next wonderful people in weddings and don’t condone categorizing people into such general boxes 😉 I’m also a strong girls support girls advocate so, ya know, this is all in fun.

But also… one of these sounds familiar, right? Maybe you even identify as one. Haha. I know I do…

Thoughts I have while sitting at the OB/GYN

We’ve all been there. (Well, those of us with a XX sex chromosome.) Sitting in that chilly, white-walled exam room wearing nothing but an open-front cloth gown, that comfy paper “blanket” over our bare legs. It’s my second favorite place, only to a spa. Feeling vulnerable and naked is the best. (…sarcasm)

I was treated to this luxury on Tuesday. Like all good doctor offices, I was left to wait in this exposed state for roughly 20 minutes. That’s a long time to sit naked on a plush bench. It leaves a lot of time for my thoughts to wander and roam. Here’s a pretty accurate recapulation…

‘I wonder if my nervous butt sweat is leaving an imprint on this paper.’

‘What if she finds some weird growth…?’

‘Oh geez. Please don’t find anything weird.’

shocked_kitty

‘I should’ve shaved my legs.’

‘I wonder how many times Dr. ____ has to look at lady parts per day.’

‘What makes you want that job??’

‘…then again, that’d be kind of interesting.’

‘Weird, Audrey.’

concerned_Justin

‘My feet are freezing.’

‘What’s this weird red mark? I hope she sees it and diagnoses me.’

‘What if it’s skin cancer?? I better ask her.’

‘That weird clamp thing is so gross. What if it got stuck open?’

*chills thinking about that*

‘I really do like my doctor, but I wish she’d hurry up.’

‘I can’t imagine having a male ob/gyn.’

‘She’s going to ask me if I exercise. Should I lie? I’m going to lie.’

‘Yeah, right. I’ll definitely tell her the truth.’

‘No I don’t exercise, Yes I drink alcohol. At least I can say, “No I don’t smoke.”‘

‘One outta three ain’t bad.’

‘Ughhh. I only have an hour lunch break, lady!’

‘Was that her voice on the other side of the door?’

happy_Aubrey

‘Oh crap, my gown just opened.’

‘….I guess that doesn’t matter much. She’ll see it all soon anyway.’

‘Man, I hope there’s nothing weird going on down there.’

‘Crap, I have to pee…’

And that’s usually when the door opens and the doctor comes in. And you guys know how it goes from there.

For the record, I have a clean bill of health. Woo. So until March 2017… See ya later, doctor ‘gator.

audielou.com_signatureToday I’m going to link-up with Gretchen and Kristen for What’s New With You!

What's New With You