We’ve all been there. (Well, those of us with a XX sex chromosome.) Sitting in that chilly, white-walled exam room wearing nothing but an open-front cloth gown, that comfy paper “blanket” over our bare legs. It’s my second favorite place, only to a spa. Feeling vulnerable and naked is the best. (…sarcasm)
I was treated to this luxury on Tuesday. Like all good doctor offices, I was left to wait in this exposed state for roughly 20 minutes. That’s a long time to sit naked on a plush bench. It leaves a lot of time for my thoughts to wander and roam. Here’s a pretty accurate recapulation…
‘I wonder if my nervous butt sweat is leaving an imprint on this paper.’
‘What if she finds some weird growth…?’
‘Oh geez. Please don’t find anything weird.’
‘I should’ve shaved my legs.’
‘I wonder how many times Dr. ____ has to look at lady parts per day.’
‘What makes you want that job??’
‘…then again, that’d be kind of interesting.’
‘Weird, Audrey.’
‘My feet are freezing.’
‘What’s this weird red mark? I hope she sees it and diagnoses me.’
‘What if it’s skin cancer?? I better ask her.’
‘That weird clamp thing is so gross. What if it got stuck open?’
*chills thinking about that*
‘I really do like my doctor, but I wish she’d hurry up.’
‘I can’t imagine having a male ob/gyn.’
‘She’s going to ask me if I exercise. Should I lie? I’m going to lie.’
‘Yeah, right. I’ll definitely tell her the truth.’
‘No I don’t exercise, Yes I drink alcohol. At least I can say, “No I don’t smoke.”‘
‘One outta three ain’t bad.’
‘Ughhh. I only have an hour lunch break, lady!’
‘Was that her voice on the other side of the door?’
‘Oh crap, my gown just opened.’
‘….I guess that doesn’t matter much. She’ll see it all soon anyway.’
‘Man, I hope there’s nothing weird going on down there.’
‘Crap, I have to pee…’
And that’s usually when the door opens and the doctor comes in. And you guys know how it goes from there.
For the record, I have a clean bill of health. Woo. So until March 2017… See ya later, doctor ‘gator.
Today I’m going to link-up with Gretchen and Kristen for What’s New With You!
Life as Louise 
hahaha I LOVED this!! I was just talking with my husband about the weirdness of Doctors including smoking, drinking, doing drugs and exercising all in one thing. Like hello, they are totally all different. I do drink, but not like hardcore like you think since iI haven’t gotten to the no I don’t do drugs thing yet haha
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Oh my gosh. I was telling my husband about this post and some of my thoughts and he goes, “I bet she compares…. “down there” to other patients.” I was like SHUT UP. I didn’t even THINK about that possibility. Hahaha, he was totally trying to freak me out but still!!
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This is hilarious.
Waiting in a room totally naked is always the strangest thing.
I told a story a few years back, I took my knitting with me while I waited – the nurse wanted to learn how to do it – even called in someone else for me to show them how to knit… all while I’m sitting there in a paper gown. Most surreal moment I had in a while 🙂 haha
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Oh my gosh… that story is equally weird and hilarious! I feel like naked knitting could be a thing… HA! (Maybe the name of your etsy shop?? KIDDING!) Wow. That would be the strangest experience!
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bahahahaha this is great. thanks for linking up with us. the last time i went to the doctor, she listened to my heart or whatever and was like ‘you must exercise a lot, you have a great blah blah blah’ and i was like suuuuuuuuuuuure. haha. i hadn’t done anything in like a month or so, but hey.. if she wants to think that 😉 i cringed so bad at ‘What if it got stuck open’ GAH NO. lol.
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I want to be like, “Um… I weigh the exact same. I have absolutely no muscle tone…. Do we REALLY need to go over that question?! Obviously I slack in the exercise department.” Ha.
Ok, I’ll give you the whole thought process on that -stuck open- thought…
“What if she’s halfway through the exam and she gets called to the hospital to do a delivery and I’m left with the nurse and the nurse has no idea how to release that thing…!!?”
That was the entire thought. HAHAHA. I’m like a doomsday nay-sayer.
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This cracked my up because I pretty much have the same exact thoughts. Every time. Ugh.
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Right?? If they didn’t leave us to sit there so long my mind wouldn’t wander! It honestly takes 30 seconds tops to stripe down and put on the robe. Hahaha!
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bahahah these are my thoughts exactly! the last one i had my leg hair was about as long as my husband’s and i was feeling so mortified but then i remember…um…she’s going to look INSIDE of me so, i’m good.
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TOTALLY get where you coming from! I am 100% positive my doctor will see/has seen weird, more disgusting, strange things with other people than she will ever see with me. But I’m still SO paranoid/self-conscious! Haha!
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One time at the OB I heard an entire convo going on in the exam room next to me – and it was about some sort of rash that they were both looking at with the help of a mirror…. I was fascinated.
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WHY ARE THE WALLS SO THIN? I mean, I would guess 95% of the conversations at that place should be private so WHY can I hear all of them?? I had the same thing happen. The woman in the room next to me apparently came in because she had a pain in her chest and thought it was her breasts. The doctor assured her it was her ribs.
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YES AND AMEN. I have been known to cry before every appointment because I hate it so much. Even while giving birth I glared at the other nurses in the room just to let them know I didn’t appreciate their presence while in such a degrading position.
But really…can’t we think of a better way to handle these appointments? It’s 2016. There has to be another way.
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I swear last Tuesday the nurse looked at me funny…. I am in a constant state of shaking and flushed and sweating when I walk into that place!
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Ugh, the thoughts of the metal thing (speculum? spell check says that’s wrong, idk) make me shudder. I’m actually overdue for this lovely appointment and I was researching doctor today, and my mom recommended hers. I asked Michael if it’d be weird if my mom and I had the same lady doctor. And I don’t know how people deal with male doctors all up in their business. Even for non-lady-part appointments I so prefer a female doctor.
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Finding the right doctor for THAT appointment is so important. I actually see the same woman that my mother-in-law and my best friend see. I was SUPER lucky to get in with her because she’s always crazy busy and booked up! I use “lucky” in an ironic way, I guess…
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Never a fun experience but necessary. I’ve had so many of those thoughts too.
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Ugh, it really is necessary. You’re right. Sometimes I think about bringing a list of questions and concerns because it is kind of nice to have a good doctor come in and discuss anything with you… but at the same time, it’s all quite unpleasant. Haha!
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This is hysterical! I actually love having a male OBGYN…I’ve only seen one female OBGYN and it was while I was pregnant. I hated her! Somehow the male doctors always seem more sympathetic.
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I have some family members that go to a male OBGYN. I would assume they must have very trusting, gentle personalities- maybe better than female ones! I shouldn’t knock it since I don’t know!!
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LOL all so true. I’ve actually only ever had male doctors, of any kind, my whole life. Just used to it I guess!
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I had a male doctor when I was a kid but once I grew out of a pediatrician I asked my mom for a female. Male doctors make me think of the guys on The Mindy Project, haha 😀
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