I don’t want to write this.

I don’t want to write this but I use my blog to record moments in my life and this past week was definitely a moment. Albeit a real sh*tty one.

If you follow me on IG or we’re friends on Facebook, you know that our sweet sassy soft lovable Lylee Bear passed away on Saturday morning. I’ve had family & friends die and I’ve had pets die. I can truly say I’ve had nothing hurt like this. You can argue that she was “just a dog” but I’d suggest you make the argument elsewhere.

Our dogs are our babies. And even with a baby on the way, our dogs are our babies. We’re torn up and lost and sad. We took Ly in just 4 months before our wedding. She has been a part of every major life & marital decision we’ve ever made. She’s lived in all our houses. I’m not kidding when I say every single thing in our house reminds me of her and has some Lylee story connected to it. Living without her sucks.

We can’t stop saying, “I just want my damn dog back.” And it’s true.

Losing Lylee was the pinnacle of crap this week. We were on vacation when she took a turn for the worst. The last vacation before baby; one that was supposed to be relaxing. We cut it short (and would obviously choose that over and over again- I don’t regret it one bit) and spent a lot of money to get home.

I’ve also been in the hospital twice this week. I am absolutely fine. I’m just clumsy and I fell two times. I know- I need to be more careful. Trust me, I know.

As you can imagine, our bank accounts took a hit this week with all this drama. But I still wish we were worrying about how to pay for Lylee’s recovery care right now.

None of this matters. I’d go through it all again to get Lylee back but that’s not an option so right now we’re just drowning in misery and waiting to feel better.

I know that we will feel better. I know our energy and excitement will come back. Honestly- all you bloggers who have lost fur babies- I knew it hurt. I didn’t know it hurt like this.

I’ve been absent from Blogland for the last week. I’ll probably be absent most of this week (although I have a scheduled post for Thursday). I’ll get back into the swing of it some day, but right now I’m just sad.

To those that reached out on other platforms- thank you. Your words have meant so much to me and I appreciate all the love more than you know.

22 thoughts on “I don’t want to write this.

  1. I can’t stop thinking about you and this horrible loss. You are the BEST dog mom in the world, and I look up to you for that. I wish there was something I could say to make it better but nothing will help except for time. Love ya and I’m here for you.

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    • Thank you so much for the kind words, Steph. Losing her was awful. Second guessing every decision we made was awful. Remember all the times I’d scolded her was awful (albeit, she deserved it- lol). It was just a really bad week. Even last night I cried again for her. She was a special pup and I’m grateful we got to love her.

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  2. OMG, I am so sorry to hear about Lylee. Our dogs are our family! I haven’t gone through the loss of my own pet yet, but he’s 10, and when that day comes I don’t know how I’m ever going to get over it. Sending you lots of hugs and love. So terrible.

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  3. As soon as I saw this post I knew it was my Geege post in your life. My heart has never hurt so badly. I’m devastated for you all. I cried over that dog for a long freaking time, and I still do from time to time, like now because I imagine your hearts right now.

    Be kind to yourselves!

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    • It’s amazing how hard we love them (although I imagine it doesn’t even touch the love they have for us). Lylee was such a presence. I feel so lucky that we got to love her and so pissed that it feels like our time was cut short. There will be more dogs in our lives, but there will never be another Lylee. She made sure of that ❤

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  4. I am sending you all the hugs right now!!!! I lost my Gracie when I was pregnant with Zoe, and even if I wasn’t pregnant, I would have been the biggest emotional mess. Dogs are our kids, and it hurts when we lose them. Just know that she’ll be looking after her baby sister even when she can’t be there physically!

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    • Thank you, friend. K and I are sure that my emotions have been nuts because of the pregnancy, but we’ve both shed tears for her and absolutely hate to think about her suffering like she did for those few days. I think she’ll definitely keep an eye out for her human sister (and Enzo). She was our sassy little protecter while she was here and I don’t see her giving up that duty.

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  5. I am so sorry. We haven’t lost a dog, but we’ve had a close call and it’s terrifying. I’m glad you were able to give Lylee a comfortable and happy life. I always tell myself that as long as we give them the best life we can, that’s the point.

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    • It’s so terrifying and I’m so glad things turned out differently for you! I always feel like I didn’t love them enough when it’s time to say goodbye but it seems like they always give me a sign to negate that doubt.

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    • Thank you, Amanda. The hormones definitely haven’t helped. I know I’d have been sad at any point in my life but just seems especially cruel to have had to say goodbye while prepping to grow our family. Some day we’ll just have to tell our new baby about our first fur baby and what a ball of fire she was. Ha.

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  6. I’m so sorry, Audrey. You know I’m dealing with it too, and it’s been rough. This is the first pet I’ve really ever lost, and it hurts so so much. Like you, so much in my house and my life reminds me of Luana and it makes it so difficult sometimes. I’m here for you, and if you want to talk, I’m always happy to!

    -Lauren
    http://www.shootingstarsmag.net

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    • I hate that you’re dealing with it, too 😦 I hate that anyone has to deal with the loss and pain. Pets can be a real challenge but it’s always always always worth it. Thinking of you. Same offer goes for you, too! ❤

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